You are sitting in a room and the only way to pass is to answer a question truthfully. This should be no big deal, right? It is just one question after all. Now, add an audience watching you; all of your closest friends, family, and community are in the stands. Makes the pressure a little more intense doesn't it? Now imagine the question, one of the hardest questions asked... And one you have probably heard before.
For some, the answer comes to mind instantly. For others, it is more of a long, thought out process. Now remember, you have to answer truthfully. How would you answer this question right now? Would you be ashamed to say the answer to every single person you know: all of the people who respect and may even look up to you?
On Friday, my answer to this question would have probably been a similar response to a few of you. I would be the guy dipping his toe in the water; testing the water before actually getting in. Looking further in depth at it, I may have said the guy flashing his muscles in the top left. He's not even in the water, yet he is making a spectacle about how great he is. Basically, I was a pretender, showing off my faith, even though I wasn't fully in it myself, but something changed. Even though I was pretending no one else called me out on it. But God did. For Proverbs 21: 2 states:
People may be right in their own eyes. But the Lord examines their heart.
This weekend was Winter Retreat, my last one, as a senior. Every other one I had been to were all the same. I'd get my temporary longing for God filled, and focused on my relationships with other students. This one, however, was nothing like that. I found myself watching the interactions with others instead of seeking them out. I found myself reflecting on my own life. I went for runs to clear my head, instead of playing games that wouldn't last long. And the runs, along with the Pastor's sermons, created the push I needed to fully become aware of my need, and not just one weekend a year.
I wasn't looking for a way to connect with people this time. I was looking solely for connecting with God. While I am said to say I didn't really drastically change friend relationships within the group, I found something better. I found a way to form a stronger relationship with God. I have been a Christian my whole life, but that doesn't really mean anything. Saying you are a Christian is one thing, going to church is another, but living it out daily is something completely different.
Even though this is still a fresh experience, this weekend I made a pledge to myself and to God, solidifying it last night. At worship last night, I told God I was all in. I was no longer testing the waters. On my run last night, at 11:07 I prayed a prayer from my heart. I yelled, but this time it was with him and not at him.
That is something I haven't been able to do since 8th grade. That is something I haven't been able to do since I let the past control me. The death of my grandma, the regret from my Aunt smoking spiraling into her cancer and death, and the regret of never meeting my grandpa. Lastly, all of the pain I've carried from being bullied, all of the bitterness I held towards her. Never truly being able to forgive someone for being so cruel, and causing so much damage to make me start doing it too. Self-inflicting thoughts bouncing around in my mind, and blaming her for all of it.
And I'm not saying I'm going to automatically change, because it will take time. But the important thing is, now I am truly ready. Even if it means that my life is going to completely change. I am finally placing my stone down and giving up the control, the fear, and the past, and bracing myself for the overwhelming love of God, that I already had, but was too scared to make the first step into cold water waiting for me.
I wanted to share this not to make you feel bad about it but to raise the question to all of you for some self-reflection of your own. Because, let's be honest, you are probably like me and have been avoiding it and been staying in the room not wanting to announce it to the crowd. Where are you by the pool today? Where do you want to be? And most importantly, what is it gonna take for you to get there?
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