No Goodbye

I never got to speak those words.

For you to know that you were heard.

I never got to say goodbye.

You were innocent: hadn't even matured.

Before you were sent home.

And left me alone.

For years I couldn't even roam.

So attached to the things that were.

Wishing that I could be her.

Wishing that I could have saved you.

Wishing the past hadn't come true.

For I never knew.

I didn't know what you were going through.

I couldn't help.

And I have to live with that truth.

Knowing I couldn't save you.

And now it is too late. 

What a twisted fate.

To end a life before it truly began.

When you do whatever you can.

But it still isn't enough.

Why'd the going have to be so tough?

And now you are gone and I'm here.

And I didn't know of true fear.

Until I thought of who you could have been.

All the times we talked about meeting again.

All the memories I think about too often.

What would I have done to be there.

What would I have done for you to know that I care.

If I had answered that call would you have shared?

Could I have saved you from an escape.

Cut through all the bull red tape.

To help mend your mind into shape.

Instead of letting it sink into darkness.

Into gloom.

Into the doom:

 of suicide.

Where so many have fallen before.

And so many will fall after.

This is the saddest chapter.

Of the book of life.

Where grieving parents and friends alike.

Come together and make the hike.

Of losing a soul.

Well before they were done with their role.

And I believe that takes a piece, a toll.

That some may never get back.

Defeat

I wish time would just slow down
Growing up is a part of life

But how can anyone take it in stride

Hang up our own selfish pride

Put our own ambitions aside

To just listen

To just be 

To actually have the ability to see

The hurt. The struggle.

The crap so many juggle.

And to be there in the defeat.

Until the success finally begins to repeat.

Can't we just put this life on pause

Stop and just wait for the coin toss

Until the world stops and we count the loss

But at what cost?

At what measure will our failure foster?

When aren't we all imposters?

Nobody is as real as they say

Nobody takes the time to just pray

To just listen

To just be 

To actually have the ability to see

The hurt. The struggle.

The crap so many juggle.

And to be there in the defeat.

Until the success finally begins to repeat.

When the pain is too much to muster

And you feel like your life is just a cluster

One mess after the next

When you're always the first to text

You're always the one with the problem

The one who can't solve them

But you feel so alone

Because no one is ever home.

To just listen

To just be 

To actually have the ability to see

The hurt. The struggle.

The crap so many juggle.

And to be there in the defeat.

Until the success finally begins to repeat.

But when time runs out

And there's nowhere to go

You'll regret when you said no

When you couldn't just listen 

When you couldn't just be

When your vision is cloudy

When you couldn't see

And you're forced to face the defeat.

Always living your life on repeat.

Bye Felicia

Now you’re gone

And I’m stuck with broken pieces

I’m hurt and I’m alone

But I won’t ever pick up the phone

Because even though you were the one to leave

I was the best you could ever achieve

So when I say I’m done and over it

It’s only stretching the truth a little bit

It’s not like you’d even care

I was just another number

I was just another game 

But I only have myself to blame

Because guys like you are all the same

Why douse a fire when there’s only a little flame

Everyone knows a lion can’t be tamed

So I’m done with having hopes for us

After all what’s a car turned to rust

No matter how much I fell for you

I was oblivious to the truth

And now that it’s plain as day to see

I can’t believe the idiot in me

Why couldn’t I just let it be

Well at least now I’m set free

For a guy like you?

It’s safe we all agree

Never mind The Who

Avoid the he

Well sister ain’t that just the tea

Sleep deprived

My barriers that I hide behind

The sadness that I keep inside

What can I do

What can I say

I can’t keep lying and just be okay

It’s a dark and scary place in my mind

And I miss the hope that I can’t find

I can’t swim anymore

I can’t let it all go

I can’t fake a smile at the door

I’m alone and that’s okay 

But it’d be nice if people in my life could stay

Maybe it’s just the cards I’ve been dealt

Or just a twist in life’s belt

All I know is that it hurts 

And I feel empty 

I just want to be left to my thoughts

Isolated from the bull life brought

I can’t be the strong one anymore

When my whole resolve is crumbling at the core

I’m not happy

But I’m not sad

I’m just indifferent to the bad

Like it doesn’t phase me anymore 

That people have so much evil in store

I still haven’t had time to mourn

Mourn my loss of feelings

Mourn for the good days

Mourn for the days when I was at peace

Mourn for the sleep I had

And the food I ate 

And the love I gave

But now nowhere is safe

I don’t sleep like I used to

The nightmares find me always 

They hunt me down

And use me as their toy

The control they have

The power their given

I’m scared that I can no longer keep it hidden

So if happiness was all a ploy 

Then it explains my lack of joy

When is it okay

When is it all good 

Will this ever be over 

Or will this journey end in nowhere

I want to sleep again

To have a friend

To be able to rest at peace 

Instead of terrors keeping me on a leash

Sleep is a need

And so for that I plead 

Let me be okay again 

And if not then no sleep full send

Anywhere Else

PSA: (Please Read!!!) The poem below makes it seem like I'm not okay. I assure you that I am and it was just a very very rough morning. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean everyone else is okay. Literally, it takes like five seconds to text someone and ask them how they are. It still means the world. Especially in a time of quarantine, we need to be there for each other. Mental health requires proper socialization. Remember that time someone took the time to reach out to you? Maybe it's time you do the same. I don't care if you haven't spoken in years... they won't care either. The chances you take could save someone's life. Also, 1-800-273-8255, this is the suicide prevention line. If anyone even thinks about harming themselves or others please call it. I know that there is going to be at least one person that would miss each of you. So, please think of them too.

The tear stained pillow tells no lie
But I do, when I say that I’m fine.

What I wouldn’t do to be anywhere but here.

The class that causes all of my fear.
When the professor doesn’t listen. Doesn’t hear.
Does my mental health matter more than a crappy test?
When you ask yourself am I next?
When there’s no one to go to cause everything is closed.
And nobody would even know any different.

What I wouldn’t do to be anywhere but here.

When all the people you have are your mom and your dad.
And you can’t just text friends and say your sad.
And the last made plan was weeks ago.

What I wouldn’t do to be anywhere but here.

The only friends you have are the ones you text first.
The ones who say they’d be there left you feeling the worst.
And all you wanna do is just give up on it all.
Does it really matter if another one falls?

What I wouldn’t do to be anywhere but here.

Your only friend is the guy in your life.
And even then you can’t put down the knife.
Your darkest secrets coming through.
And all that you can do. Is wish you were somebody new.

What I wouldn’t do to be anywhere but here.

Wow, that needed to be said

This quarantine has definitely gave me some time to think. Maybe a little too much. I always thought that I had ever only been depressed once, and sure that might still be a fact, BUT I didn't realize how long it lasted. I always thought it came around with the wicked witch of the 8th grade and left my freshman year once I got over all the trauma and the death that had occurred back to back for a couple years. Boy, was I wrong on that one.

You see, I didn't realize just how awful high school was for me. I mean sure I hated it and I had probably about 3 maybe even 4 people that I would even consider in the friend group. Even then? I was still eating my lunch in the library every day alone watching Netflix or doing homework. And then when we couldn't have food in the library anymore? I would skip lunch, because I would rather sit by myself than deal with any of the people in the cafeteria. Is that normal? For a kid to rather be alone than be with people? Not for me it wasn't. No, I was the social butterfly who WANTED to be around people. Yet, for more than four years of my life I would try to avoid them.

Being at college this year has really opened my eyes. It made me realize just what state I was in back in high school. I was the one taking too many college classes just to get out of that hole. I was the one who people were nice to... but only when homecoming court time came around. I refused to even nominate or vote for court. Because I knew that it wouldn't matter. Like always the high school standards are put all the popular people in, but at least have one good guy because we don't want to look shallow.

It really hit me after graduation. Why? Because after graduation is when I realized just how insignificant I truly was to all those people. I was part of three different clubs, a sport, and excelled in class. What do I get? Not even a single mention in the yearbook. Seeing a teacher again who mistakenly thought I was a different classmate graduated years before? This is after less than 4 months of being out too. Someone who goes to college with me calling me by yet another different classmate than my teacher did... At least this one was in the same graduating class. I don't even receive any recognition for anything I ever did. The awards were mostly given to a select few: the ones who were again, the "it" crowd.

The closest person I have from high school didn't even go to my high school! She was an 8th grader. And to this day I can prove that the amount of people in my high school verses the amount of friends I have from high school... Well, let's just say that there were more moms in my grade by the end of high school than there are the friends I still stay in touch with.

But hey, I'm not here to point fingers. I just wanted to let those who hated high school know that they weren't the only ones. I'm here to share a little bit of what I went through so they know they aren't alone. You could be in a million clubs and it wouldn't make a difference. You could be in five sports and still they will forget your name. The worst part is that so many had it worse than I did. The worst part is that you can compare how bad your experience was! Oh, if you think that is bad? You should hear about all the suicides of classmates. All the ones who didn't make it to graduation. The ones who DON'T get to see that IT GETS BETTER. Because if there is one thing that college has taught me... it's that it does get better.

You know how many people have checked on me since this quarantine? A whole lot more than anybody EVER asked me in the last five years besides my family. I have found people who actually value me. And this isolation is making me miss that feeling. I have found a place where there are girls who I can help because I've been there. It's not the same when you can see someone through a screen, but it is still more than I ever thought I'd get.

So thank you to all those who I've met since college. And you know what? God says you should never have hatred, but love your enemies. So, to those of you who felt like this was about you? Thank you, I'm trying to love you regardless of what crap you put me through. And while it won't be an easy task, I think I'm starting to understand why I shouldn't. For this past summer I was bitter and angry. But the worst part was that it was ruining my life more than any of you ever did. It was making me no better off than you were for being that cold and rude.

I should be happy and thank you because if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. I probably would have never started mentoring middle schoolers if it weren't for you. I wouldn't have found a love for someone else. I wouldn't have found a love for MYSELF. Because when I didn't get that appreciation in high school, sure it made me lack self-confidence. But now? I've found that really self-love is worth more than any mention in a year book.

Sure, this quarantine is kicking my butt. I don't have my stuff moved out. I miss getting to hang with and have small group with students. I may be the worst interviewee ever. I may not be able to get an internship this summer. I miss seeing my friends. I miss Starbucks. I miss Cam. I'm stressed to the max with online class, and I may have to retake classes just because I struggle with a particular teacher.

Boy does all that add up and jeopardize all the discovery I've been on. And does it still sometimes? Yeah! I laid in bed this morning crying because of all of it, but it made me realize how far I've come. From laying in my bed, crying myself to sleep five times a week, having more nightmares than not. But it has also made me realize just how loved I am. By my friends. My family. The youth group. My boyfriend... And if no one else BY GOD. Then I will be getting over this mountain. Because the love from God alone is enough to keep me from ending it all.

Have I forgiven you all yet? Well, that answer is no, but I'm definitely working on it. And slowly, I forgive more each day. And to the day I never thought I could forgive the 8th grader, but I did. Don't ask me how, but I managed to finally humble myself and take up my own cross. To die to myself. And to finally live again by the power of Christ in me.

Another Day...

Sometimes a break is what you need.
Sometimes taking a day to just be is best.
Sometimes writing isn't just some test.
Of skill. Of what you achieve.

Instead it's a barrier you cross.
A border you get through.
Not just a crumpled up paper you toss.
A draft you just delete,
After it's "complete."

School is stressful.
Expectations are just standards that make you depressed.
And then people wonder why you fail a test.
It's not just about the grades you did or didn't get.
It's so much more.
A hope broken.
A hunger passed.
A longing that is no longer steadfast.

Maybe it's best.
To just forget it all in the past.
To wake up without any recollection.
To have it all just be lost in memory.
But then it wouldn't be called life, would it?
It would just be a game you could restart if you wanted.
To just erase the page and start over.

Maybe that's what everyone wants at least once in their life.
Maybe even after every stupid step too.
After ever decision you have to rifle through.
Every stride you must take.
And especially the ones you make by mistake.
Just icing on the cake.
Of all these headaches.
Called life.
Called college.
Called adulting.
I swear by the end I'll bake.
But that is the risk I'm willing to take.
Just to try to survive,
and not get my dreams squished like a pancake.

So it's a difficult choice.
Pretending like you have poise.
But no one should give up.
Or just be done.
Because life may be crap.
But ain't no one should give one.