Even as I know I stick out like a minority
Bouncing from one thing to the next
Wishing that I felt more like a constant
Than someone chose second best
Maybe I’m just sick, maybe just tired
But sleeping alone these last few nights has me wired
On the edge and by myself
It’s how I entered the world and the cards been dealt
So much to do so little to say
I guess in time I’ve learned being alone is okay
The more distance I get the less I cling
I guess it’s finally me just succumbing to the bad dream
Acceptance and abandonment simmer at the seam
Oh to what do I owe to be on my own team
Not being here and feeling less love
I’m sick and just want to be taken care of
Feeling like it’s never quite good enough
But right now as I sniffle into my sleeve
Hoping the darkness would soon leave
Wondering how I could ever do distance or being apart
For this alone just tears at my heart
And maybe it’s just because I’m sick
But it’s when I need you the most:
For physical touch is how I tik
Maybe it’s just salt on the wounds that I now lick
Feeling as if I’m the only one fully steady
Maybe it’s because we weren’t quite ready
It might be too soon to pop the trauma confetti
All I know is you haven’t picked up the phone
Wishing that I could just not be alone
But knowing I’m not quite out of that zone
As the depression hits me and I go to another low
Maybe I should learn how to better survive… alone
For you can’t be here regardless how hard you try
This isn’t the magic world and pigs don’t just fly
It isn’t realistic or ideal
So maybe I just need to cut back on all that I feel
Work on masking what is real
It’s not on you to deal
With my nightmares and all the panic attacks
All the less than fun sexual assault facts
To compensate for what my own heart lacks
With my past and my self doubt
This isn’t a goodbye or me dipping out
I just think that I need to work more on being by myself
