Four Months Ago

It's been four months since I last posted. Have I changed since then, yes. Is anyone still looking at these posts?..probably not. Doesn't matter, because I feel better when I think I'm typing to myself. Why? Because when I type to myself I'm honest, I stay true and don't put on a face like I do in real life. I try to be strong in front of people, the truth is I'm not, I'm a broken music box. When I was little I had a music box that I would listen to all the time. It was a beautiful wooden box, not expensive but priceless to me. I got rid of that music box, and to this day I regret it. It wasn't broken at first but I took it for granted and it got thrown around and the the wood got splintered. After that it stopped working, but it didn't get any less beautiful. Yet, I still threw it out like it was trash. I disposed of something that was beautiful and meaningful for what? To this day I regret throwing out that box. It didn't deserve to be treated like it was nothing. I've always wondered what in my life could I do differently? In reality, there is something I could do differently. I could not judge a person before I know their story. I could stop blaming the girl who made my middle school years my worst nightmare. Because at the end of the day what good does that do me. Yes, that bully made me almost do something I wouldn't be here to regret, but if I point fingers how does that make any better than that girl? Those years took something away from me, and until this point I didn't know what. But now I realize she took away my ability to trust. Although, I let people get close to me, there is still part of me I never share. A closed off portion of my life. For those who don't know me that well, I tend to keep my emotions hidden. I keep myself in my own little bubble, it's a sort of boundary of protection for me. That is ultimately the reason I don't share how I feel or like to get involved in hugs or physical contact. Another outcome is how I try not to get to involved with people because I'm afraid they are going to stab me in the back. I got better just to get worse again. So this blog is my bubble, because the people that may or may not read this are on the other side of the computer screen. And that is why I let myself be so vulnerable. So to all the people on the other side of the screen, thank you. This blog has allowed me to be me and not put on the mask in the crowd. It has allowed me to release the emotions that stay strictly in my head. This blog is the real me.

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