Broken Trust. Broken Life.

*Warning!* This post is heavy so don't read it if you are very sensitive. It has some dark content because I was writing about an experience that I can't seem to figure out, yet. However, please do not worry about me. I'm fine; I'm safe and that's what matters. I am planning on making the choice to receive help from the counseling center; and I always pride myself on being real on here so this is real.


I pride myself of being absent of fear.
Yet, in the end, even I was swallowed by the darkness.
Preyed upon because of my youth.
The sickness doesn't seem to go away.
It eats me more by night than by day.
I stay awake because I am still afraid.
Shaking in the pain I faced.
Still feeling the eyes on me.
As if undressing me without a second glance.
I'm swallowed by the nerves.
My heart beats haven't slowed since then.
But at least they haven't stopped altogether.
Clammy hands. Worried glances to my surroundings.
I can't walk without my breathing increasing.
I can't close my eyes and feel safe.
My trust for people went down to zero in less than five minutes.
I can't stay in my room without crying.
I can't be around people without flinching.
When will this go away?
Will I always be this afraid?
He may not have physically taken anything.
But I still feel as if I lost part of myself.
The part of me that felt protected.
The part of me that felt comfortable without always glancing over my shoulder.
The part of me that I now lack.
The part that I will have to work night and day to get back.
And in the end, it'll never be the same.
For every trust lost: a doubt is gained.
The happiness is nothing compared to the pain.
With the slim amount of sleep: this is where I slowly go insane.
All of the fear is eating my brain.

I'm too scared:
Will I be able to sleep?
Will I always be looking over my shoulder?
Will I learn not to flinch?
Will I be able to trust again?

When does my life become mine again?