Past Me

 It's crazy waiting for these feelings to pass

Thinking that today would be better than the last

When the lows are all I have

And the good has only turned to bad.

And as I look inside my mind

Will these pills help me control my time

Will I finally feel the depression slip away

Or is the trauma only here to stay.

Regardless of how bad I've strayed

The voices inside my head live out my own day

And when I feel as if there is no other way

As if this bed is where I too shall lay

I rely on the hope of letting go of the pain

Simply praying that I will be okay.

Shall I sit in my shower at 2 AM

Or simply cry in my bed

Will everything soon come to an end?

Or will I be dealing with this for 5 to 10.

Sadness had made a home inside my head

Where in middle school I had hoped for dead

And no matter the feelings of me finally making amends

There is no other way to describe the tragedy around the bend.

If there was another turn

Will there be the hope that I yearn

Or will it be just another year: another picture to burn

A reminder of all that I still have to learn

Simply hoping that my family's approval I will finally earn.

No matter the consequence or the cost.

I will always remember that of which I have lost.

All that has been taken from me.

When it is only the doubt that I see.

Wishing I could get back of what was my dignity.

Missing the amount of trust that was consumed

And feeling as if the darkness is stuck in my room

Knowing that bottling things up only makes a big boom

When you tell them you're okay and they can only assume.

And as I lay in only the depths of the shadows

Wishing for the blooms of the apples

Hoping that spring will soon be near

As the winter brings the cold and the ice here

Even though it is simply an analogy of life

As the only blade as sharp as a knife

Is the fear of falling behind.

And being forced to face the memories

The flashbacks of trying to appease

Trying to hang on to the good as it flees

And as the happiness ceases to be

I get a glimpse of the old me.

Who He Is

Who does God seem?

To you it may be a hero: in a dream

Or a figure with a certain a light a certain gleam

But sometimes our imagination of him comes apart at the seam

For if we aren't in the daily reading and knowing of the truth

All God will be is a figure in our youth

Like a distant memory from a photo booth

And now going to him is like yanking out yet another baby tooth

Like opening a forgotten bottle missing its fizz

Some may see him as a father: which he is

But then again there are mortal fathers who shouldn't have kids

Like canning tomatoes without any lids

They treat them like gum stuck to the bottom of their shoe

When in reality children are like the rest of us and want to be loved by you

Now, why is the world so cruel? If that is actually true

Why do the demons pick and choose

The ones who aren't easy to accuse

They focus not on the ones who don't but the ones who do

Maybe it is because they are scared of God's light

So afraid of the loss of power that they don't cower but fight

And when they are able to drain faith they tower to their full height

And try as they might

Just to take away another believer's sight

But then we should dwell in the spirit more

For it is only truly then that we can soar

And if we were to tally up and see who settled that score

It would be the Holy of Holies: the one who is Lord

For he has fought and won the war 

We simply must continue to fight with and for

Him and and the fountain from which he pours

The one who is all willing and forgiving 

The only life worth living

Fighting for the one who was at the beginning

Knowing that regardless of who may stand before

That we will be the one living our life forever more

That the devil will surely not have won

So long as we trust in our Father, and his son

To God we give all the praise

Lifting him until our dying days

There is no one quite like him

One who is without blemish: without sin

And that is the reason we will win

Not because we deserve to

After all, we know that isn't true

For I am as broken as you

And that is something I still need to chew

We need to humble ourselves and take up our cross

For if we don't we will have lost

For God wants sinners as friends

Not those who have pride and take offense

To God who has gave us a new life

Who created us in his image; as his wife

We are to be his bride

To drop the act and swallow our pride

To be forever by his side

For all he wants is us to draw near and abide