I Don't Want to Need You

I need you to be here and you’re not

I need to be held but that is a fleeting thought 

A faraway wish knowing I’ll never have

Why do I rely on you when it’s always bad

When you are missing as I need you most

Changing to be closed off isn’t a boast

I need you to be here and you’re not 

Did you even give me one last thought

A friendship isn’t just being there

It’s showing someone you actually care

Instead of just having them hang around anywhere

But it seems to me you will just let me be

Talk to me when you’re free

As if I’ll hang on your every word 

As if that would be good enough for me?

The severity of the situation has escalated inside

I’m slowly losing the last piece of my mind

I need stability control and growth to flower

But you just like the feeling of having power

As if there’s not an ounce missing at all

That thought alone makes me curl up into a ball

Why do you even talk to me?

When I can clearly see

I’m more here for you than you for me

So why can’t I just leave

The worst part is you were who I began to believe

The one who was “different” and not another thief

I guess it was my fault for being deceived

When I was finally able to trust someone again

Is the real tragedy

Words of affirmation would make my day

It’s more than a gift or quality time would say

Just a reminder that I’m doing okay

But what I receive is little to none for what I pay

We were warned of getting taken advantage of

But I thought I always just did it out of love

Yet you seem to enjoy using me as you please

Once you found out helping people is my disease

I’m infected with the want to feel needed

But at this point, I wish I could avoid the conceded

Knowing that you’ll always find a way

To make me lower my guard and stay

If only life was my own remedy 

But it seems like that isn’t the right cup of tea

Instead, mine is filled with depression and PTSD

Brokenness that tends to chase me around

Started in middle school buried underground 

Hidden among the fake smiles and missing tears

I think I’ve been hurting for one too many years

Maybe that’s why I let you treat me like you do

And yet I still sit here and say I need you 

Dear Mom

 I don't know if you'll read this,

Maybe one day I hope you do.

Even though I struggle with the words to tell you.

Sadly, I can't afford to get you fancy things.

If I could I'd get you a 24k diamond ring.

Or one of those nice, expensive cars.

But a broke college kid can only go so far.

However, I will appreciate all you are.

After all, you've been so understanding and kind.

Even when moving has you in a bind.

Yet, your kids have always been in the front of your mind.

Thank you for supporting me and for the love you give.

Thank you for the hospitality and the breath to live.

Thank you for the nine months of craving and eating for two.

For a mother like you, I need to appreciate more... I really do.

Mom you have done more for me in the last year than you will ever know.

Giving me guidance and love as pure as freshly dropped snow.

Kindness and grace like yours are just like a candle wick.

You've supplied this family for so long, through health and sick.

But there is no thank you note long enough: no matter just how thick.

To show you that you are a blessing: even more useful than balsamic.

So Happy Mother's Day, to the special one who is truly the bomb.

I am so proud to be one of the lucky ones who call you mom.