Hospitals ----->Contains Sensitive Material

*Warning: The following is a very sad and touchy topic, and if you are sensitive or don't want to read about pain, sadness, or care if it ruins hospitals for you, then please don't read it.



I'm supposed to go to the hospital tonight to visit a friend before I go to youth. But I really do NOT want to go. It's not because I don't want to see her or anything, it goes much deeper than that. I hate hospitals, people go to the hospital when they are sick and broken, more importantly people go there to die. I hate hospitals because they smell like they are trying to hide the scent of sickness, to mask the scent of death. I hate hospitals because it is an instant reminder that there are people in my life who are gone, who lost their life in that hospital. Where their family members spent every waking hour not knowing when they were going to die in that hospital. Who suffered and fought for every breath they had left in that hospital. For me a hospital signifies death and fighting so hard when in reality you just give up in the end anyway. It was very traumatic as a kid walking into a hospital to visit someone, seeing them dying and weak. It changes the way you see that person, because every time you see them in their best you remember that pale face losing more and more of it's color. You remember all the pain that was written all over their face, and you remember the loss of blood, loss of hair, more and more needles getting stuck into their skin. I was a kid, I didn't know what to think, it wasn't a happy place. For me, it was a place where my grandma went as she was getting to the last stage in her life. It was my Aunt Dawn laying in a bed with cancer, with a follow-up phone call in the night hours saying she was dead. It was watching my step-grandpa, lay there, barely responsive as we watched the life slowly drain from him. It was long hours of waiting for someone to die, questioning if they were going to live. So yea, I really don't want to go to the hospital tonight, she is currently fine and my philosophy is I should be able to go visit her when she gets released. Because that is when I won't be reminded of how traumatizing the hospital is. I won't have to deal with flashbacks and painful visits that always ended with me wondering who will be next. For me, hospitals are a place that my foot shakes when I walk through the entrance. For me, hospitals are the haunted house that I'm afraid to enter in for what I will see. For me, hospitals are a place where I do NOT want to go even though I'm supposed to.
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