I am Second

So, tonight at my youth we talked about sharing our stories with others and we did so in partners. Now that honestly was so hard because my story is almost as if opening up old wounds. Our series is "I am second" testimonies or how we put God before ourselves in the day to day. The moment that made the big change for me was the darkest point in my life, and every time I talk or even think about it, it makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. However, if this story helps people then I say suffering through it is worth it if they end up knowing my best friend and savior. That being said, typing it for people behind a screen is the first step I'm taking to share what I have to say and quite frankly the easiest. Not doing this in person may not have as great an effect, but I say even if this helps one person, if this changes one life than the reason why God gave me this much crap to go through has been made. So, this is the paragraph I wrote for my "I am second" Story, not revised... the raw version that came straight from my vulnerable teen self in a small group at youth on Sunday night.

I put myself first for the longest time, I thought I had all the answers. Going into my freshman year of high school, I was bullied beyond what I thought could be repaired. I had already went through a hard time of loosing my grandma that same winter. I turned to my own way out, I wanted control again, to be in charge of my situation. I was lost and searching for what I thought would may everything easy again. I thought it'd be better to have control, and if I were to die it'd be by my own hand. I had accepted that my fate would be to finally stop all the pain with one clean blow, just a couple of pills and it would all be over. But then God spoke to me in that time, more powerfully than I had ever heard in the entirety of growing up in a Christian home. He told me what I needed to hear, that I wasn't on this earth for me, I was here for him. My life was in his hands and it was a very humbling time of finally letting go and giving up control. It was the darkest point in my life where I realized that I was, and that I am second.