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 When you want to feel like you're actually fine

When you know that there is lots on the line

When all you could ever do or say

Is lie and tell them you're okay

When in reality that is nay

As if there was nothing more

Than a grim reaper outside your door

Waiting until that day where you soar

And in the depths of the unknown

Where all you can ever feel is alone

When existing is more hard than not

When you cut a tree and the stump is left to rot

And in the depths of the shadows dare I hide

For my darkness does little upon the outside

For the light is all but gone

And upon nightfall do I wish for the dawn

But does a person exist that may come and save me

Do I have to beg? Do I have to plea?

I'm broken can't you see?

Or will I be consumed and left in the gloom?

As I sit alone in my room

For I always struggle for love and acceptance

But all I've been feeling is abandoned and rejected

When you strive to be complete

And everyone watches as you land anywhere but your feet

As if that wasn't enough frosting on the cake

I watch as I realize what all is truly fake

And in the stress that is this world

The feelings inside make me want to hurl

Sickness is anywhere but here

Yet I just want it to draw near

Maybe then will I feel something again

But then maybe I won't and run out of the hope I can lend

For even I to will soon run dry

Pouring from an empty glass is apparently my piece of the pie

For all I feel like I'm doing is just a lie

When all I can do is cry and ask why

Why is there so much despair?

Why is life not fair?

Why is sleep so nonexistent?

Why is it that I am kept at a distance?

Maybe it's because of all who have done me wrong

Or maybe it was because I was just playing along

Am I really to blame when I said no

I think that society takes that as a joke

So naught I be anywhere but here

Loneliness has always been my biggest fear

There is more than just concern in my eyes

It's missing the spark of passion as of nigh

I wish insomnia wasn't a thing

These few hours of wishing it wasn't just a dream

That I could close my eyes for long periods of time

And not have to wake to tears would be sublime

But alas sometimes we can't get what we want

I just wish my life wasn't playing out in a bold font

I Walk Alone

The worst part about being alone is when you are surrounded by people.

Abandonment issues that come from high above any steeple.

Knowing that one time or another all will be lost.

That people will always find better than you at any cost.

Regardless of how close they might have seemed.

Nightmares have always stemmed from what was a good dream.

Whether it is in your job or in your life.

There will always be some kind of strife.

And in a day and age where technology wanders free.

How much would intimacy really truly mean to me.

And in the deepest darkest depths of the tunnel I roam.

For I know in my heart I will truly always be alone.

So I will get used to the shadows and hugs of the darkness.

For anxiety and depression are hard to harness.

And in this weakness I will rely on only what I can be.

The one who no one invites to get tea.

The one who is more of a burden then even I could see.

The one who you will only have in distant memory.

The one who will learn how to live alone.

For this is my calling; loneliness will make a home.

When it is the abandonment that I find.

I will hold the reminder of the times.

That I can put myself together on my own.

For that is what I've had to do without ever being known.

So thank you for the abandonment of my soul.

Thank you for never remembering me or my role.

I will learn to cope and to survive.

But I just want you to know you aren't the reason I'm alive.

I simply live for myself, because you don't even care.

You continue on with your friendly affairs.

Forget about me like you always tend to do.

What can I say, I'm over all the times I helped you.

Goodbye to you who's not worth my time.

At this point I'd be lying if I said you were even worth a dime.

Just remember this when they abandon you too.

For what goes around comes around and sticks like glue.

I hope you are happy we are through.

But from what I've learned there's no such thing as starting brand new.

 

Change With Age

What if I'm not ready?
Why can't things just be the same?
Why does everything have to change?
When age wasn't just a range.
When it was simply a time to just be young.
A time to enjoy the little things and sit in the sun.
When 2000's were jams you just kind of sung.
Instead of now being a reminder that so much time has passed.
And that I'm just another role that's been in the cast.
Just somebody having to complete yet another task.
Why do I feel like everything that has come has went?

Regardless of the amount of time or effort spent.

As if it doesn't matter if I am persistent.

For no mater what I say.

No matter what I do.

I'm never the one who gets to choose.
Do I get a choice in my own life?
Caught up in the messy tales of a sacred knife.
The only hope I have to keep my head a float:
Is knowing the amount I already have underneath my boat.

The baggage I continue to store in my toat.

The lack of wind under my sail.

This too can't make me fail.
For even though these waters haven't been smooth as of yet.
From mental health to suicides to death.
To all the goodbyes that have been ripped out of my chest.
There is little to fear.
For I know that the battle is anywhere but here.

And if I hold tight to the steer.

Maybe the enemy won't draw near.

And freedom is soon in sight.
It sure beats drowning in the light.
Or standing beside while someone else fights.
I hate being a bystander.
Watching a loved one die of cancer.
Knowing you'll always be surrounded by the banter.
When an argument isn't big enough to be called as so.
But it hangs over the air like a freshly shot doe.
And sooner or later the truth you will know.
That no matter how ready or not you may be.
The change will hit you and come for me.
And whether or not I get swept up by my feet.
What I hope and pray is that I'll still live up to my good deeds.

That the expectations of those who came before I still meet.

That I won't be in the audience with a bad seat.

As I try to set these feelings free.

Maybe a difference I will see.
That I will be able change.

Even in my different age.

That this isn't just a phase.

That regardless of how much I have to pay.

That maybe someday I'll get a say.
Regardless of how much life is in a disarray.

Maybe the anxiety I'll be able to tame.

Even as the time of change came.

I'll learn to cope and not to blame.

Knowing that my life will never be the same.