December 9th

 I promised myself on December 9th

That I wouldn't fall back after that night

That I would say goodbye

To the object that I hid in plain sight

That I wouldn't use it as my escape

That if I ever needed I'd just pump the breaks

That I wouldn't give what I couldn't take

That mental health wouldn't get in the way

That I could be fine and be okay okay

Keeping the tears, hiding the fears

Remembering the pain as if it were a pleasure

The sharpness a tool that I could measure

Measure my own feelings under the weather

Sweatshirts being relied on as a small tether

I want to go back and do it again

It felt good to just pretend

Pretend that it was the thing that made me spend

That it was the only problem I had often

In reality, I would use it as a fake coffin

Hiding the actual problems away

A distraction and price I was willing to pay

And yet  I promised myself on December 9th

That I wouldn't fall back after that night

That I wouldn't use one demon as shelter from another

That just because there's two doesn't mean they are brothers

The illness coming into the middle of my own storm

Trying to find a place that even resembled the warmth

Being like a duck and flying back up north

Knowing I couldn't escape these feelings forever

As I continue to remind myself of the promise I made in December

Processing

 I'm a mess

If maybe we weren't talking at all would this hurt a little less?

Trying to move on is leaving me as such a wreck

Wishing that I could put myself above the rest

Wishing I prioritize my healing and put love for myself to the test

But  knowing that I would probably fail

For the amount of self-hatred I let prevail

That costs more than just some money for bail

Knowing that the self-deprication thoughts continue to rattle

As the bad slowly turns into more of my own war than just a battle

Wishing I wasn't the only one still sitting in the saddle

Why are you still always on my mind?

It's crazy how I think about you all of the time

Thinking of you alot puts me in quite the bind

Missing you more and wishing you all the best

But knowing that my love for you needs to be put to rest

For I don't think we can go back to what we once were

You might think I am still the same person but don't infer

I am more broken and bitter to myself... I'm not the same girl

I thought I was strong but now it's plain as day to see

That the girl I thought I was definitely isn't me

For if I was like that then why am I filled with this much regret?

Why can't I seem to just let it all go

But maybe it is the slightest hope of a future though

Yet I know that it wouldn't be so true

For we both have changed and needed the growing room

I don't know if my walls can come down like that again

I'm more scared than I have ever been

Losing you was a 0 out of 10

And it is my funeral I will have to attend

You were the one to make me happy

You made me laugh

You made me forget the past and all the regrets

I learned to put you above myself

And in doing so I lost connection with my own health

I don't know how I'm going to learn to love who I am

You tried to teach me the best that you can

But in the end it was never enough

You left me just as the going got tough

I don't hate you for what you did

But the feelings I have I cannot just get rid

You broke my heart unintentionally

I fell for you before you fell for me 

I missed you more than you'll ever be able to see

First love is like a plain white tee

You never realize the butterflys or what you thought was meant to be

You never realize it until it's time to pay the fee

The price of trust and security

The price I pay is an absurdity

But I guess that is the cost of growing and maturity

I miss you and that is all I can say

Because it is just another fricking day

And it is another reason I find to miss you

Remembering the tears I have when I gave one last goodbye hug

Not knowing the problems under the rug

Not knowing that when I left that day I wouldn't see you anymore

That it would be the last time I walked out your door

Trying so hard to be able to walk out of your life

Why aren't you struggling? Because mine hurts like a knife.

Desperately going to other people for advice

And ignoring them when they say that you're the bad guy

For you definitely are not in this situation

It was more of a death for you by association

I know that the problem is my own

You weren't the one parked in a tow-away zone

You just happened upon one of the broken phones

One who you cannot fix and just had to throw in the trash

I hit you like a fatal car crash

I wasn't enough and I have to live with that fact

Losing you and knowing I probably can't win you back

I'm sorry for loving you and for not realizing it was an act

I'm sorry that I believed you when you said you weren't going anywhere

I guess humans fall to easy when we find someone who we think will care

I'm sorry that I thought you'd always be there.

Maybe Not Today

 I still sometimes sleep with your sweater as if we're still together

I prefer the smell of your cologne to one of my perfume

Sometimes the darkness all but looms and I feel consumed

You aren't there to fend it off or keep the demons at bay

I guess it was my fault that I tried to rely on you in that way

Knowing that this is the price I will continue to pay

I debate if I should keep trying to let go of you

Knowing that maybe trying to hold on is why I've been so blue

But I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye

I really wish we could still just try

I miss you and that isn't a lie

I wish that I was good enough for what you deserve

But I know that I'm not the queen: I have not the nerves

Being roadkill that people barely just end up trying to swerve

My emotions always tend to get in the way

If I wasn't this broken would you have stayed?

If I kept it all bottled up and my tears didn't just betray?

If I hid all of this inside the lines,

Would you still have left me behind?

I've cried one too many tears writing these poems out

Trying to process what happened then to what I know now

Wishing we could build our relationship on trust all around

Me always being the one trying to fight for common ground.

Always questioning and being confused on just how

How I kept on holding on for far too long

Hoping we could be just another love song

Wishing that I had finally found where I belonged

When I had found comfort in your arms

Knowing then that I was wrong

Trying to have support was what I wanted all along

And I think my confidence is so far gone

Broken and scattered

My pride all too quickly has been shattered

And even if it wasn't just because I was too far battered

That maybe it wasn't me but still, I will wield this blame

Being abandoned again causes me to feel all this shame

Just another Icarius flying too close to a burning flame.

Finding warmth in the dangerous sun

Why does falling for someone hurt such a ton

Or maybe it wasn't falling but learning not to run

I don't want to just be okay with what is done is done

But maybe it is time to finally admit defeat

Maybe falling hurt when I had no one to catch me

I was just another stranded boat left upon the sea

All my burdens and PTSD 

In tow 

Trying to discover just how to row

Unable to quite do it by myself

But I guess it is just a learning experience in itself

Because eventually, I will have to learn to be okay

Just maybe not for now: 

Just maybe not today.