Processing

 I'm a mess

If maybe we weren't talking at all would this hurt a little less?

Trying to move on is leaving me as such a wreck

Wishing that I could put myself above the rest

Wishing I prioritize my healing and put love for myself to the test

But  knowing that I would probably fail

For the amount of self-hatred I let prevail

That costs more than just some money for bail

Knowing that the self-deprication thoughts continue to rattle

As the bad slowly turns into more of my own war than just a battle

Wishing I wasn't the only one still sitting in the saddle

Why are you still always on my mind?

It's crazy how I think about you all of the time

Thinking of you alot puts me in quite the bind

Missing you more and wishing you all the best

But knowing that my love for you needs to be put to rest

For I don't think we can go back to what we once were

You might think I am still the same person but don't infer

I am more broken and bitter to myself... I'm not the same girl

I thought I was strong but now it's plain as day to see

That the girl I thought I was definitely isn't me

For if I was like that then why am I filled with this much regret?

Why can't I seem to just let it all go

But maybe it is the slightest hope of a future though

Yet I know that it wouldn't be so true

For we both have changed and needed the growing room

I don't know if my walls can come down like that again

I'm more scared than I have ever been

Losing you was a 0 out of 10

And it is my funeral I will have to attend

You were the one to make me happy

You made me laugh

You made me forget the past and all the regrets

I learned to put you above myself

And in doing so I lost connection with my own health

I don't know how I'm going to learn to love who I am

You tried to teach me the best that you can

But in the end it was never enough

You left me just as the going got tough

I don't hate you for what you did

But the feelings I have I cannot just get rid

You broke my heart unintentionally

I fell for you before you fell for me 

I missed you more than you'll ever be able to see

First love is like a plain white tee

You never realize the butterflys or what you thought was meant to be

You never realize it until it's time to pay the fee

The price of trust and security

The price I pay is an absurdity

But I guess that is the cost of growing and maturity

I miss you and that is all I can say

Because it is just another fricking day

And it is another reason I find to miss you

Remembering the tears I have when I gave one last goodbye hug

Not knowing the problems under the rug

Not knowing that when I left that day I wouldn't see you anymore

That it would be the last time I walked out your door

Trying so hard to be able to walk out of your life

Why aren't you struggling? Because mine hurts like a knife.

Desperately going to other people for advice

And ignoring them when they say that you're the bad guy

For you definitely are not in this situation

It was more of a death for you by association

I know that the problem is my own

You weren't the one parked in a tow-away zone

You just happened upon one of the broken phones

One who you cannot fix and just had to throw in the trash

I hit you like a fatal car crash

I wasn't enough and I have to live with that fact

Losing you and knowing I probably can't win you back

I'm sorry for loving you and for not realizing it was an act

I'm sorry that I believed you when you said you weren't going anywhere

I guess humans fall to easy when we find someone who we think will care

I'm sorry that I thought you'd always be there.