Maybe Not Today

 I still sometimes sleep with your sweater as if we're still together

I prefer the smell of your cologne to one of my perfume

Sometimes the darkness all but looms and I feel consumed

You aren't there to fend it off or keep the demons at bay

I guess it was my fault that I tried to rely on you in that way

Knowing that this is the price I will continue to pay

I debate if I should keep trying to let go of you

Knowing that maybe trying to hold on is why I've been so blue

But I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye

I really wish we could still just try

I miss you and that isn't a lie

I wish that I was good enough for what you deserve

But I know that I'm not the queen: I have not the nerves

Being roadkill that people barely just end up trying to swerve

My emotions always tend to get in the way

If I wasn't this broken would you have stayed?

If I kept it all bottled up and my tears didn't just betray?

If I hid all of this inside the lines,

Would you still have left me behind?

I've cried one too many tears writing these poems out

Trying to process what happened then to what I know now

Wishing we could build our relationship on trust all around

Me always being the one trying to fight for common ground.

Always questioning and being confused on just how

How I kept on holding on for far too long

Hoping we could be just another love song

Wishing that I had finally found where I belonged

When I had found comfort in your arms

Knowing then that I was wrong

Trying to have support was what I wanted all along

And I think my confidence is so far gone

Broken and scattered

My pride all too quickly has been shattered

And even if it wasn't just because I was too far battered

That maybe it wasn't me but still, I will wield this blame

Being abandoned again causes me to feel all this shame

Just another Icarius flying too close to a burning flame.

Finding warmth in the dangerous sun

Why does falling for someone hurt such a ton

Or maybe it wasn't falling but learning not to run

I don't want to just be okay with what is done is done

But maybe it is time to finally admit defeat

Maybe falling hurt when I had no one to catch me

I was just another stranded boat left upon the sea

All my burdens and PTSD 

In tow 

Trying to discover just how to row

Unable to quite do it by myself

But I guess it is just a learning experience in itself

Because eventually, I will have to learn to be okay

Just maybe not for now: 

Just maybe not today.