Replace or Save Face?

Were you with her before we broke up?

Did you catch feelings because I wasn’t enough?

Does she know about the games you play?

Or all the drama that comes your way?

Maybe Baby Mama was a little bit right.

And maybe it took you stepping out to see the light.

Crazy how things turn out.

Were you ever in love with me?

Or did you use me as a good place holder for the time being?

Was there ever a time where you thought we would be?

You knew sixth months prior about my leave.

So, what is there to do.

But to write everything about you.

How you made me feel.

Maybe what she said was true.

I can’t believe I almost fell for you.

You wanted me to chose you over my career and life.

Not realizing I wasn’t a dependent nor your wife.

Nope, that was the role you seemed to like to play.

But you made me feel inadequate in your little games.

I thought I would have seen the signs.

But then again, at the time, I was just happy to call you mine.

When in reality you were already planning for someone new.

Did she know too?

And you got my best friend gifts but not me.

That should have been an easy Red Flag Number 103.

Glad I don’t get to be second to your mom or sister.

How will you react when I find another mister?

But that is years down the road for I am not you.

I won’t just wait a month or two.

How’s my replacement?

Remember she is not the same.

But maybe it is but a moth to a flame.

Good luck I really do wish you well.

Because all I care about now anyone can tell.

The little girl who looks up to you and calls you hers.

Whatever you do don’t let her get burned.

You are an adult not the child.

So why is she getting involved when things are anything but mild.

As for me she will never not be on my mind.

The three years I gave to raising her will not be left behind.

I will simply cheer and watch from afar.

For she was the one in the relationship who truly had my heart.

Low Battery

 My phone is at low battery right now which is ironic

Ironic that my heart is also at low battery right now

I have been drained beyond capacity

I’ve been burning the midnight for too long

Spending days getting burnt out

Spending too much time wondering what would’ve been

Knowing that sometimes Harley is the only thing that keeps me going

Which is good that I have someone special 

Even if that someone has four legs and a tail

And sometimes she just tolerates me

Get a dog who doesn’t show you the affection she shows others is great

Knowing I could never truly let go

Of the past

Of the things that I thought were gonna last

Knowing that I can’t bring it up

I can’t disrespect the boundary that I’ve set

Wishing things would’ve turned out different

But isn’t that what we all want? 

Something different than what we have

Be good or bad

I can’t keep playing the guessing game

I gave a piece of my heart away

And I have to come to terms with the fact that I won’t get it back

That’s a hard pill to swallow

Especially when we’re not even taking the pills that make us numb

I want to feel something and now I’m feeling too much

And if I could take it back, I would

Not take the love

Take back opening up Pandora’s box again

Because I’m watching my good emotions fade

I’m watching the laundry and dishes pile up

Because I have no motivation

I’m watching work become a railroad

And I’m the conductor trying to operate a train that I was never taught how to

And I feel alone and unsupported

And I feel like I lost something

But It was never mind in the first place

Because I walked away before it even began

So this is all my fault

And I live with that every day

So long, Farewell

 It is crazy to think you already moved on with someone new.

Then again it was your boss so something seems a little askew.

Either way, for her sake and the little one I hope it lasts.

It is very hard to think of the memories as the past. 

It hurt me that you moved on so quick.

So I had a bit of a tough time on the clock to tick.

But then I had my best friend remind me of all that I don't miss.

And then I realize it isn't you that I miss.

I miss the companion that I had. I miss the good and not the bad.

I don't miss the fights or having to leave to make a call.

I don't miss the control or the constant insecurity at all.

I don't miss having to cancel or not make plans.

Because I couldn't go to a bar or go out and dance.

Yet, you would never go with me so I could still enjoy it.

No, that wasn't "your scene", you "didn't fit."

Crazy, how quick I would be complicit.

Not again will I give up my life to commit.

The thought of how much I gave in makes me sick.

I don't miss the pushing when I wasn't in the mood.

Maybe I wasn't the one who was a prude.

Maybe we just weren't compatible to begin: you and I.

I'm independent.

You were dependent on me.

You were looking for a mother while I was looking for a partner.

I hope you find everything you are looking for.

But I'm starting to care a little less and not more.

I don't miss the phone checks or accusations.

Or waking me up from my naps with your own conclusions.

Thinking that I wasn't loyal is crazy to me.

To deleting my snap and insta just to please.

To cutting off guy friends I've had for years.

Because nothing could earn your trust, I feared.

I relinquished too much so it is a lesson well learned:

There's a difference between compromise and sacrifice.

And never again will I give up what I want for someone who will just "Suffice."

I won't settle, even if loneliness is the price.

I will gladly pay it to not see any of the struggles.

This is one candle that will never again be snuffled.

Watch out world, because this single independent woman is ready to tussle. 

Interpretative Run

Poems are interpretations,

What is written isn't always what is meant.

Darkness might not actually be the hole of depression.

It might not actually be tailored to the person.

It might all be fiction.

But there is a bit of truth in everything.

It might sound like one path, but in reality it's a different one.

So remember that while it might be a deep end, it isn't always the one you think it is.

For example, this doesn't talk about suicidal thoughts at all, but you might interpret that differently.

That is why poetry is some a beautiful twisting road that can lead ten people through ten different journeys to ten different finishing places. That is why poetry is a knife, a hot summer, a cold winter, a sunflower in the shade, a please go away, and overall, the passion of the writer leaving it to the interpretation of the reader. Be the reader and enjoy but do not assume or jump to conclusions about the writer. Because this writer is doing just fine, which means everything may not be as it seems.

Would you miss me if I was gone? 

If I ran away from it all and just said it was done?

Sometimes addiction is simply just avoidance to an extreme.

Avoiding the pain. Avoiding the loneliness.

Maybe that is why there are more types of unhealthy habits in the world than relationships.

Because neither are easy to walk away from. 

But one is an escape and the other is a trap.

Which one is which?

That is the question.

What is the solution?

Learn how to be alone? But when has anyone ever successfully done that?

Sometimes this just ends in the need for a hug. For one more touch.

For one more night.

But it doesn't heal anything.

It turns the sadness and grieving into more longing.

Opening up wounds that had never truly healed in the first place.

Wounds don't heal. They scar.

There is a difference. It is never truly gone. It is simply hidden beneath layers.

We were taught that layers helped.

They never did. There was no protection against the monsters.

Sweatshirts were supposed to be a comfort, but sometimes they just serve as reminders.

Reminders that it wasn't enough, Reminders that it didn't truly matter. 

There was nothing that would stop it. Crying till you ran out of the voice to.

Knowing that screaming wouldn't help. That no one could help you.

The scratching at the skin. Scrubbing to try and feel clean.

To erase. But there is never anything that helps.

So, would you miss me?

Yes, yes you would. 

But you wouldn't realize it until the wind swept me away.

Until I simply disappeared.

Wondering whatever happened; wishing you could do things different.

But how would you have known? You didn't reach out.

Feeling like the one who is the protector. Constantly reaching out.

Constantly checking on everyone else.

But who is the one checking on me?

So thankful for family, but it would be nice to have those friends too.

They say it takes time. But I don't know if it falls into line with my life.

I struggle and try to cope.

But it does suck to be all alone.

Reminding myself that this is just a bad day added to a bad week.

That everything will be okay eventually.

That emotions may consume but they won't abuse.

No, leave that to the memories.

So when I say I'm running away?

It is not from the emotions. Those aren't the problem.

The problem lies within the wounds never healed.

The scars ever so kindly reminding me that I am alive.

And that this is part of who I am.

Whether it is good or bad, it is what it is.

I just simply want to say not today.

And to run away from the memories of pain.

Maybe I can make it all go away.

Let it become tomorrow's problem.

Tomorrow's tomorrow.

Which means it will forever become tomorrow.

If only.

A Bittersweet Goodbye

*Disclaimer: this portion was written over three years ago and sat in my drafts*

I found love in the palm of her tiny hand.

I never knew the feeling of this before.

Then when a child came knocking on my door.

With hope and a beautiful smile.

I love that I'm able to go that extra mile.

She's sweet and fits into me like she's mine.

All I know now is she will never be left behind.

Wherever we go: I want her to be.

She is now one part of the whole me.

And she fits into my arm and into my life.

This girl has rocked my world and brings me light.

She is pride and she is joy.

I love the little one…

My daughter by choice.

PRESENT:

Having to grieve the loss of a relationship that results in another relationship is a lot that I was not ready for. You enter into a path of loss that wasn't necessarily anyone's fault. For over three years I became a role model, a cheerleader, a motherly figure, and best friend to a little girl. To lose that. To have to give up that connection. To not be able to maintain that for one reason or another hurts. But I still feel all of the words I wrote above. I will always love her like she was my own and nothing with me and her father will change that. She will always have a special place in my heart because she belonged there. And I hope she knows that I love her so much and I still want the world for her. And I will miss her most and still think about her often because she made me a better person. She made me a more nurturing and loving individual and unlocked parts of me I never knew existed. I was there for her but she was there in a childlike wonder that I can't explain to anyone who isn't a parent or a parental figure. The pain and loss hurts in this moment. It is knee-shaking. However, I wouldn't trade any of the moments we had for the entire world. Our time came to an end but the memories and lessons will always be there. I'm so thankful for her and hope that she remembers just how much she is loved. Because she will always be my little bug.

Life's a Tunnel and I'm NOT Digging It

Listening to heartfelt country music and sitting by myself in my apartment isn’t what I imagined. But then again, I didn’t think I would get this far. Where does this story end? I wish I could tell you. I wish I could say that it gets better every single time without fail. But I would be lying to you. Sometimes, sure, it does get better. Sometimes there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But then you get stuck. Stuck in the tunnel for years. Or you turn around because the light at the other end of the tunnel seemed to be slightly brighter than the one you were currently on. Dang. And then, once you finally make the journey to the end of the tunnel you find yourself in another tunnel. This one may be a quick one. Or it is one that will take you over three years to complete. Three years of denial and telling yourself that this tunnel was better than the last one. Because honestly? It was. It was better than the last one by a lot. You weren’t running into walls hidden within the shadows of the tunnel. There weren’t monsters creeping around waiting until you were vulnerable. No, not this time. But this time you had to give up your peanut butter and jelly because someone couldn’t handle it. You had to give up the support backpack because you were the only one helping carry the weight. Your protests to prioritize yourself were ignored. So, at the end of the tunnel it was like the beginning of it. You walked alone yet again. Except this time the baggage was a little bit heavier. Not enough to make a difference but when you carry it for years every rock matters. And you had to sacrifice. Your back never came first. You weren’t the priority. You had to shoulder it for both travelers. Which caused previous broken bones from past tunnels to get worse. There was no healing. It was simply a spiral of life, of walking, and of feeling the failures. It’s okay, though. When you consider a forever traveler, you shouldn’t have to consider outsiders making the trek with you. Who matters? Who is the priority? I’m trying to force it to be me. That’s hard when there hasn’t been any healing. That’s hard when you don’t know how to be alone. When you haven’t had to think about it for years. Sometimes that is nicer. Sometimes carrying the weight is easier than admitting you needed the break all along. I’m trying to take the break but that doesn’t make it any less hard. Well, that tunnel’s journey is done. I gave up so much to walk through it. But I’m thankful for learning. To be able to look back at the tunnel and realize what was good and bad about it. Easier to avoid the dark corners when you know exactly what the signs of them are. This last tunnel wasn’t formed enough to make it easy. It wasn’t the tunnel’s fault, but the tunnel wasn’t ready to grow. And I was. I wanted to finish the tunnel. Different places take us to different choices. And I’m going to try not to pick another tunnel quite yet. I’m not ready. Even if my loneliness says otherwise. So, this tunnel I am thankful for. All the other ones I totally could pass on! A lot of processing to do with all the tunnels. And am I ready for that? Absolutely not, but I must be. So good luck to me and good luck to anyone who must keep running into the wrong tunnels without realizing until it’s too late. You will get through it just like I did without even realizing I was done with it. Sometimes the realization is the hardest part.