Life's a Tunnel and I'm NOT Digging It

Listening to heartfelt country music and sitting by myself in my apartment isn’t what I imagined. But then again, I didn’t think I would get this far. Where does this story end? I wish I could tell you. I wish I could say that it gets better every single time without fail. But I would be lying to you. Sometimes, sure, it does get better. Sometimes there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But then you get stuck. Stuck in the tunnel for years. Or you turn around because the light at the other end of the tunnel seemed to be slightly brighter than the one you were currently on. Dang. And then, once you finally make the journey to the end of the tunnel you find yourself in another tunnel. This one may be a quick one. Or it is one that will take you over three years to complete. Three years of denial and telling yourself that this tunnel was better than the last one. Because honestly? It was. It was better than the last one by a lot. You weren’t running into walls hidden within the shadows of the tunnel. There weren’t monsters creeping around waiting until you were vulnerable. No, not this time. But this time you had to give up your peanut butter and jelly because someone couldn’t handle it. You had to give up the support backpack because you were the only one helping carry the weight. Your protests to prioritize yourself were ignored. So, at the end of the tunnel it was like the beginning of it. You walked alone yet again. Except this time the baggage was a little bit heavier. Not enough to make a difference but when you carry it for years every rock matters. And you had to sacrifice. Your back never came first. You weren’t the priority. You had to shoulder it for both travelers. Which caused previous broken bones from past tunnels to get worse. There was no healing. It was simply a spiral of life, of walking, and of feeling the failures. It’s okay, though. When you consider a forever traveler, you shouldn’t have to consider outsiders making the trek with you. Who matters? Who is the priority? I’m trying to force it to be me. That’s hard when there hasn’t been any healing. That’s hard when you don’t know how to be alone. When you haven’t had to think about it for years. Sometimes that is nicer. Sometimes carrying the weight is easier than admitting you needed the break all along. I’m trying to take the break but that doesn’t make it any less hard. Well, that tunnel’s journey is done. I gave up so much to walk through it. But I’m thankful for learning. To be able to look back at the tunnel and realize what was good and bad about it. Easier to avoid the dark corners when you know exactly what the signs of them are. This last tunnel wasn’t formed enough to make it easy. It wasn’t the tunnel’s fault, but the tunnel wasn’t ready to grow. And I was. I wanted to finish the tunnel. Different places take us to different choices. And I’m going to try not to pick another tunnel quite yet. I’m not ready. Even if my loneliness says otherwise. So, this tunnel I am thankful for. All the other ones I totally could pass on! A lot of processing to do with all the tunnels. And am I ready for that? Absolutely not, but I must be. So good luck to me and good luck to anyone who must keep running into the wrong tunnels without realizing until it’s too late. You will get through it just like I did without even realizing I was done with it. Sometimes the realization is the hardest part.