When Hope is Lost

When hope is lost,
and hate is gained.
When guilt is fostered,
and shame reigns.

When the end is no longer just a phrase,
and your path is like a maze.
When you are holding on by a string,
and death sounds like more than a thing.

When sorrow sweeps into your soul plenty,
 and you feel empty.
When the word doom comes to mind,
and that is all you can find.

When there is no happiness behind the smile,
and love is in denial.
When the fall turns to winter,
and the cry of the wind becomes a whimper.

Fear not for all is not lost,
when in doubt just look to the cross.
And as it lay in it's Christmas glow,
the Glory of God is shown even in snow.
Our burdens are not ours to bear,
For our father in heaven is there.
He will pick us up when we are down.

When hope is lost,
it is us who can become found.


That proud moment when you actually post in what feels like forever! However, if you didn't read the last poem here is my spiel again...I am currently working on a story at Wattpad so if you like this stuff you should go check it out, the link is down below! Like always I send my love and I will try to post again soon. Don't get mad at me if I don't though cause I have officially published 12 chapters into the book I'm working on so....

www.wattpad.com/story/161637821-love-in-a-touch-down?utm_source=widget&utm_medium=link_copy

Seasons

Snowflakes and tear drops fall and become one.

The season change bringing the grief of seasons past. 

The hope that was once abundant, was now being covered.

By the pain.

By the memories.

If only to go back.

Wanting to give up everything for just one more shot.

None of it meant anything anyway.

The only happiness felt was before.

But now things were different.

They were no longer just stories with fairy tale endings.

They were consumed with death.

They were consumed with lies and heartbreak.

To forget it all would be a blessing and a curse.

To remember would be even worse.

If that day had never come, the season would have never begun.

And maybe the season would have never changed at all.

A nice dark poem to add to the collection. Sorry I have been inactive, I am currently working on a story at Wattpad so if you like this stuff you should go check it out, the link is down below! Like always I send my love and I will try to post again soon. Don't get mad at me if I don't though cause I am like ten chapters into the book I'm working on so....

www.wattpad.com/story/161637821-love-in-a-touch-down?utm_source=widget&utm_medium=link_copy

Beauty

I am a victim.
Not because I am ignorant to the words I say.
But because I'm vulnerable to what society claims.
We are surrounded by social media, by people.
Yet, we don't see the people.
We see the labels.
The words we use to describe someone...
He's too fat, he needs to lose weight.
She's too thin, she must be anorexic.
They are ugly, how could you be friends with them?

We are blind to what we are actually seeing.
We only see what we want to see.
The imperfections.
The small scar above their eye.
The glasses. The braces.
Anything we can pick out that's different:
Because it's not 'typical' it's bad.
Because her body is not like that supermodel
on the front cover of every magazine in the store.

We see in the goggles of society.
In the eyes of the influential stars we idolize.
Not concerned about how it's actually affecting us.
Our standards are prioritized.
But at what consequences?
The lost of a classmate to suicide?
The kid being forced to go to therapy?
The self-harm?
The teenager getting high because it is easier?

Well, I think it is time someone told the truth-
In reality, society's standards are unachievable.
Whatever you change it will never be enough.
But, that depends on who you speak to.
To God,
You are beautiful.
He created you in HIS image. Not society's.
You are his child,
He loves you
no matter how much makeup you wear.
no matter what clothes you have on.
no matter your what color your skin is.
And most importantly,
no matter the sin and demons
that have controlled your life.

He sent his son, to die, for you.
                                           Because he said:

"This is my child and they are beautiful."

Friends? I think not

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Why do I let people become my friends and sacrifice tooth and nail for them when they don't do the same. They are never there when I truly need them and then one day poof they are gone without a trace. Without a simple goodbye or "Hey this is why I all of a sudden hate your guts." Well they won, the fake people finally crushed the little hope I had in this thing called friendship. You were close to the end when I was in 8th grade... Anyone still remember those times? Yea, I do cause they were the worst times in my life. That was the point when suicide was more than just a light-hearted joke between friends. Well, all I have to say to all those people, is good luck. Good luck in accomplishing anything and being happy, because that comes through hard work and people who have your back. And sure, in high school everyone has everyone's back. But after that, reality strikes and you will soon realize that you can't just rely on someone so much and expect them to stick around when you don't do the same. Also, I feel sorry for you. That you are so adolescent that you can put on your big girl pants and talk about it. Well, I got news for you... When you are ready to talk, I won't be here. I will be moving on with my life with the one or two friends I still have. But, at least now I am smarter than I was in 8th grade. At least now, it won't make me rethink whether those thoughts were right and I should just end it all. Because that was what you wanted, to win. Although, I don't think you realized winning almost came at the price of a life. Sure, you may not care about that life, but their death would be on your guilty son of a gun's conscious. But that was the eighth grade me...I won't let it worry me. And no I'm not sorry for this letter, because to me, a hate letter is better than being in that dark place close to death again. But I won't let it consume my thoughts, because it is no longer worth my time. You are no longer worth my time. Maybe you never were and I was just to stupid to realize, but either way what is done is done. Goodbye and good luck on life... it may be a bit lonely when you realize that friends only stay as long as it is mutual.

The big question

First off, I just want to say... To those two people who read this, thanks and I apologize. I never post, and I always say I'll be better. But, I have to be real like I always try to be and so I'm not going to make any promises. Things come up, life comes up, and I don't like making promises I can't keep. So I will try but don't get your hopes up if I don't.

Second off, if you actually like reading stuff, and are intrigued my interesting and hopefully enjoyable content... Ya gotta do the whole subscribe thing and follow my social media and all that good jazz. 

[ Sc: swim_nuggets; insta: noelle_humphrey] 

Now on to the topic... "The big question" 

I promise you this is not just some click bait like oooo is it gonna be about relationships, God, what is Noelle's idea of a "big question"...

Well this week I have toured two colleges, complete opposites of each other. So my big question is how the heck am I supposed to decide?!? Seriously, it doesn't help that I'm getting to senior year... I love the church but when it gets time they are too concerned! Like what do you want to do? Where do you want to go? I just want to have a piece of paper taped to me saying do not under any circumstances ask me any questions pertaining to anything in the future.... Once I know maybe I can then tell you... But until further notice do not even mention the word College, like ever.

So, to wrap up I just want to say, don't let anyone pressure you into deciding. If you want to stand at the back of the line at McDonald's trying to decide between a chocolate or vanilla shake for ten minutes (because only a certain person likes strawberry on a certain day) you go for it because I will be right there with ya!

It was always you

Bloodied and wounded

You lay on the cross for me

My sin, the nails at your feet

I was a soldier

I was a Pharisee 

But that didn't matter to you

Because you called me free

Because you called me redeemed

I put you there, upon that cross

I was the sheep that was lost

I called out among the crowd

For your blood upon the ground

But that didn't matter to you

Because you did it for me

You sacrificed so my life could be

Finally I have been set free

No longer the sin to weigh me down

No crown of thorns on my brow

In Jesus I am found

In Jesus I'm made new

Because the cost was you

High School- A Popularity Contest

Sure, she didn't get that high profiling position that will make her stand out on college applications. It's not like she wasn't qualified, in fact she was probably over-qualified. Instead, a popular jock received it. Yup, that one word in front of jock can change the whole situation. In high school, this scenario isn't unique, in fact most people would call it common. It's sad that our society has come down who has the most friends instead of who has the most experience. Why bother? Why put yourself out there enough to try to make a difference when in reality you have a 1 in 1,000 chance you can actually get it. What can you do? Change your hair? Change your clothes? Put on a fake smile and try to "fit in"? Sure, you may have got that position but is it truly going to make you happy? Being "liked" by everyone in the school, but not having any real friendships? If the population is too stupid to realize how much potential you have than its their loss. If they don't realize that you can actually do the job than they are digging their own hole. And when that popular person gets up there with their fake friends standing behind them and their fake smile, you will have a real smile.... Because without you, it's just another board with popular people and no purpose. So, yea, I may not be popular, but I'm not fake either.

Hospitals ----->Contains Sensitive Material

*Warning: The following is a very sad and touchy topic, and if you are sensitive or don't want to read about pain, sadness, or care if it ruins hospitals for you, then please don't read it.



I'm supposed to go to the hospital tonight to visit a friend before I go to youth. But I really do NOT want to go. It's not because I don't want to see her or anything, it goes much deeper than that. I hate hospitals, people go to the hospital when they are sick and broken, more importantly people go there to die. I hate hospitals because they smell like they are trying to hide the scent of sickness, to mask the scent of death. I hate hospitals because it is an instant reminder that there are people in my life who are gone, who lost their life in that hospital. Where their family members spent every waking hour not knowing when they were going to die in that hospital. Who suffered and fought for every breath they had left in that hospital. For me a hospital signifies death and fighting so hard when in reality you just give up in the end anyway. It was very traumatic as a kid walking into a hospital to visit someone, seeing them dying and weak. It changes the way you see that person, because every time you see them in their best you remember that pale face losing more and more of it's color. You remember all the pain that was written all over their face, and you remember the loss of blood, loss of hair, more and more needles getting stuck into their skin. I was a kid, I didn't know what to think, it wasn't a happy place. For me, it was a place where my grandma went as she was getting to the last stage in her life. It was my Aunt Dawn laying in a bed with cancer, with a follow-up phone call in the night hours saying she was dead. It was watching my step-grandpa, lay there, barely responsive as we watched the life slowly drain from him. It was long hours of waiting for someone to die, questioning if they were going to live. So yea, I really don't want to go to the hospital tonight, she is currently fine and my philosophy is I should be able to go visit her when she gets released. Because that is when I won't be reminded of how traumatizing the hospital is. I won't have to deal with flashbacks and painful visits that always ended with me wondering who will be next. For me, hospitals are a place that my foot shakes when I walk through the entrance. For me, hospitals are the haunted house that I'm afraid to enter in for what I will see. For me, hospitals are a place where I do NOT want to go even though I'm supposed to.
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I am Second

So, tonight at my youth we talked about sharing our stories with others and we did so in partners. Now that honestly was so hard because my story is almost as if opening up old wounds. Our series is "I am second" testimonies or how we put God before ourselves in the day to day. The moment that made the big change for me was the darkest point in my life, and every time I talk or even think about it, it makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. However, if this story helps people then I say suffering through it is worth it if they end up knowing my best friend and savior. That being said, typing it for people behind a screen is the first step I'm taking to share what I have to say and quite frankly the easiest. Not doing this in person may not have as great an effect, but I say even if this helps one person, if this changes one life than the reason why God gave me this much crap to go through has been made. So, this is the paragraph I wrote for my "I am second" Story, not revised... the raw version that came straight from my vulnerable teen self in a small group at youth on Sunday night.

I put myself first for the longest time, I thought I had all the answers. Going into my freshman year of high school, I was bullied beyond what I thought could be repaired. I had already went through a hard time of loosing my grandma that same winter. I turned to my own way out, I wanted control again, to be in charge of my situation. I was lost and searching for what I thought would may everything easy again. I thought it'd be better to have control, and if I were to die it'd be by my own hand. I had accepted that my fate would be to finally stop all the pain with one clean blow, just a couple of pills and it would all be over. But then God spoke to me in that time, more powerfully than I had ever heard in the entirety of growing up in a Christian home. He told me what I needed to hear, that I wasn't on this earth for me, I was here for him. My life was in his hands and it was a very humbling time of finally letting go and giving up control. It was the darkest point in my life where I realized that I was, and that I am second.

Reality? Or fantasy?

There are some times in your life where you feel alone.

You feel like God has abandoned you.

It makes you question whether he was there in the first place. 

Like you put your faith and trust in a wall.
You know it's there
But you question if it is or if it's just your mind playing tricks on you.

You want to run.

You want to tell someone.

Then you realize there is no one.

No one to turn to, no one to embrace.

The worst thing is that everyone has each other.

We are all vying for their attention. 

Speaking over others for our voices to be heard.

But the worst part is there will always be someone better for them to listen to.

Even if their voice has been on repeat for weeks.

The good thing about God is he's always listening. 

Or so I thought.

But now there is an empty space.

A hole in my life that can't be complete.

A void that will never be filled.

So I turn to meaningless lies that fill the moment.

That leave you with just enough happiness to want more.

But not enough to be considered joy.

Alone.

Alone in life.

Alone in the walk I continue daily.

Where are you God?

I've been searching and praying for you to come along. 

But it seems like what I'm doing is wrong.

It has no effect. 

My actions to no prevail.

It seems like I'm going to hell.

But if there is no God, then there is no devil.
Just a bunch of evil on the same level.

So if there is a God where is he?

Why do we go through times where we can't see? 

I just want to know he is here with me.

So God give me a sign.

Cause all I'm feeling is the empty rhymes.

No heart in the prayers I pray.

If there is a God please have your way.

Cause I need to see you in the day to day.