Oof

It's crazy.
Sometimes you feel alone,
Yet you are surrounded by a sea of people.
You feel lost.
Yet you haven't gone anywhere.
You feel weak,
even though you managed to overtake the evil.
You want to give in,
but you know you shouldn't.

You just want control back.

Of your emotions.

Of your circumstances.

Of people.

But that isn't how things work.

It's crazy how the best things in your life also cause the sadness.

The turmoil.

I guess that has to be accepted.

For what can you do?

I'd take the pain if I know what's true.

I'd take the harm as long as I can still have you.

Happiness

Happiness. It's hard to understand that word.
Sometimes the hand you were dealt is anything but.
I don't know how, but maybe just maybe I'm in a transition.
Rather than this being another depressing poem or post: it isn't.
I feel this odd sense that I can actually handle this thing called life.

So, what is happiness?
I don't really know myself yet.
But I think I'm starting to figure it out.
Which I guess is a scary thing in itself.
It's not necessarily new, for I've always been a happy kid.
But sometimes the one with the brightest smile:
Are the saddest of them all.

Happiness? Yea, he and I are friends now.
He decided that he might stay a while.
And even though I have no idea where this journey leads:
I hope this happiness doesn't leave... anytime soon.
For if it does I don't know what I would do.
Probably spend the next fifty years of my life in a pool.

That's what I did before, and I may do again.
But for now I'm going to soak this great feeling in.
Because like all things happiness won't last.
But the time it stays makes the world shine on full blast.
Happiness I may never understand.
But each day more of it I can.

Broken Trust. Broken Life.

*Warning!* This post is heavy so don't read it if you are very sensitive. It has some dark content because I was writing about an experience that I can't seem to figure out, yet. However, please do not worry about me. I'm fine; I'm safe and that's what matters. I am planning on making the choice to receive help from the counseling center; and I always pride myself on being real on here so this is real.


I pride myself of being absent of fear.
Yet, in the end, even I was swallowed by the darkness.
Preyed upon because of my youth.
The sickness doesn't seem to go away.
It eats me more by night than by day.
I stay awake because I am still afraid.
Shaking in the pain I faced.
Still feeling the eyes on me.
As if undressing me without a second glance.
I'm swallowed by the nerves.
My heart beats haven't slowed since then.
But at least they haven't stopped altogether.
Clammy hands. Worried glances to my surroundings.
I can't walk without my breathing increasing.
I can't close my eyes and feel safe.
My trust for people went down to zero in less than five minutes.
I can't stay in my room without crying.
I can't be around people without flinching.
When will this go away?
Will I always be this afraid?
He may not have physically taken anything.
But I still feel as if I lost part of myself.
The part of me that felt protected.
The part of me that felt comfortable without always glancing over my shoulder.
The part of me that I now lack.
The part that I will have to work night and day to get back.
And in the end, it'll never be the same.
For every trust lost: a doubt is gained.
The happiness is nothing compared to the pain.
With the slim amount of sleep: this is where I slowly go insane.
All of the fear is eating my brain.

I'm too scared:
Will I be able to sleep?
Will I always be looking over my shoulder?
Will I learn not to flinch?
Will I be able to trust again?

When does my life become mine again?

Adventure in His Name

We enjoy comfort: the easy route.
While God calls us to be adventurous:
Daily we get scared it's gonna be dangerous.

But isn't that why we were called?
Not to hide away in our own shells.
But to go out and speak the tells.
To speak the truth about who God is.
To speak the truth about how we are his.

Yet we find ourselves hiding among the crowd.
To participate in the slander and crucifixion.
Rather than blame ourselves.
For if God sent his son so we could be free.
Then why shouldn't we live adventurously?

Because our journey is not to be sheltered.
It is for the gospel message to be heard.

So if we speak nothing about Jesus.
If we remain comfortable and mute.
Then that makes us no better than Satan or the tomb.

But if we preach about the good news and go forth.
Live our lives daily for the glory of God of our earth.
Than we shall be a disciple of God.
And not a victim to the ways of men.

Giving God our lives daily. And spreading life and truth.
For that is all he asks of you.
So who are you in the eyes of our creator?
Do you stay locked away in your bubble.
Or do you use your gifts to fight the devil's trouble.

We shall be the adventurous ones.
And live as Jesus once did.
For coming to the Father: as his kid.
Is the only way one should live.
So go out and share!
The good news of a God who is just and fair.
Share of his mercy. Share of his grace.
And be the adventurous one who run the race.

Not just for yourselves. But in his good name.
For he called you, admist your shame.
Don't sit in your corner, for the son has already came.
Not from fortune and fame.
But wrapped in blankets: a helpless babe.

Speak out along your adventure
Do not shy away
For the Lord's promise will come:
And we must be ready for that day.
Keep your passion high and light the flame.
Spread the news of the good Lord who saves!

Judgement vs. Healing

I met some people who swore like sailors.
Who flipped the bird without a thought.
All I could think, afterwards, was how trashy I felt.
And then I thanked God I wasn't like them.
But then, didn't that make me just like them?

I mean, who am I to judge them?
I have no right when I myself have my own sins.
In fact, I should be the one judging myself.
I have sin. I have things I regret.
Yet, I am guilty of judging them for what they do?
After all, they wear their marks with pride.
But I am guilty of covering them up.

If you can't see them it means they aren't there... Right?
WRONG.
God knows they are there.
He knows that I was one amongst the crowd.
Mocking. Laughing.
I also denied my God.
I used his name in vein. I am ashamed.
For I called his name when everything was going right.
But cursed him in the trials of life.
I blamed him, shouting, "How could you leave me when I needed you most!"
In reality?
I was the one who left.

He was there all along; especially in those struggles.
Yet, I turned to my own selfish ambitions. I turned to my own ways!
Instead of trusting him?
I trusted no one but myself.
And maybe that's why I feel so guilty.
Because I was no better than those people.
I was no better than the Pharasees that judged.
Or the tax collectors who knew not of a God.
I judged, when I should have repented for my own foolish ways.
I criticize them, when I should've criticized myself.
I hated them, even though God loved me.

So, instead maybe I should be confronting my own sin.
Maybe, just maybe, I will finally be able to confront it all.
And soon, I'll be able to move past all of these hidden burdens.
Because it makes me realize that, although we may not deserve it.
God loves us unconditionally. And we have underestimated that.
But truly? Maybe we underestimated, not just his healing,
But the power we have once we forgive ourselves as well.
And that is my prayer for me. My judgemental heart.
And anyone else who has been struggling with that.

Finding Peace in the Doubt

In everyone's life there comes a time.
A time of questioning and confusion.
A time of pure searching.
Searching for the answers to questions that needed to be asked.
But that were never supposed to have a clear answer.
You see, it is all based on perspective.
It is not black and white at times.
Faith isn't black and white.
If it was: everyone would have it.
Instead, it is a choice.
A chance to dwell in the hope of seeing someone again.
Even after the years of grief have settled, just a glimmer of hope is enough.
It should be enough.
Enough fuel to believe in the midst of doubt.
In the midst of the confusion and chaos surrounding humanity.
Because that is what we are: human.
We are human enough to question, to want to know more.
However, the choice is ours to make whether to believe.
I also struggle with the doubt of belief.
I think everyone who has a faith has questioned it.
Why? Because we cannot see.
We cannot touch our Lord in the flesh.
But we are blessed despite our questions.
For if we have the faith in him: we can live among humans but still be set apart.
Encouraging the doubt allows for strength despite it.
If we stand strong in our faith, doubt will have its place.
But we will be able to dwell with both peace and our own uncertainty.

"I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.” John 16:33 (MSG).

My translation: I (Jesus) have told you this so you can stand firm in peace. Without me the world is unkind and cruel and you will experience many challenges and questions, but have faith despite it all for I have overcame the sin and darkness that awaited you.

Battle for freedom: a song/poem

Though I'm fighting: the battle has not yet come
Though I'm struggling: he shall overcome
I need to learn to let it go
Let my addictions, my habits fall to the floor
There's hope in this moment
A peace that is yet to come
If I just lay it down

I find my freedom in Jesus' name
The only one whom shall remain
Jesus you are, you are my freedom
My battle is not my own
It belongs to him alone

Rest in knowing he is near
Sleeping without a fear
The doubt shall never stay
All burdens be cast away
There is no freedom
Like the one he has for me
I know his plan isn't plain to see
But I know it can set me free

I find my freedom in Jesus' name
The only one whom shall remain
Jesus you are, you are my freedom
My battle is not my own
It belongs to him alone

I lift up my problems
I lift up my habits
In hopes that you can fix them
Mend what is broken
Heal the hatred of what I've spoken
For living in you isn't always easy
My past seeps in all too quickly
But I know that I have to be open
Open to your hands
Open to your demands
To fix my life according to your plans

I find my freedom in Jesus' name
The only one whom shall remain
Jesus you are, you are my freedom
My battle is not my own
It belongs to him alone
To him alone
To him alone
In him alone I find my freedom

The Fight of Hatred

Not sure where this poem/rap/song-ish thing came from, but if we are being honest: it is probably still subconscious thoughts in my brain... So, yea. 

Don't know how to deal with the things on my plate

Got a lot of issues in my brain

At least that's what keeps me awake

Nothing ever seems to be the same

I got one or two people that I can name

Get irritated and they're to blame

Destroy my happy thoughts and create my pain

Now I know I am a mess

Walk around with a smile but still depressed

Make eye contact with them but avoid the rest

Don't have enough patience for that test

Get ticked off wishing they weren't blessed

As selfish as it seems

I am still a human being

Don't got no time for you and me

Can't you see?

I got struggles of my own so let it be

I got no room in this heart for more than me

Wanna take a picture? Pay the fee.

See how I cope with fear?

I lock it up and throw away the key. 

Bottled up its got "no hold on me"

Keep it hidden from the world, 

That they cannot see

I don't mean to disappoint you

Miss the way we used to talk through

All the problems, now I just stew

Got no one now that I go to

Keep it all inside, I should move

Get rid of these negative thoughts, but no can do

Those people that I hate the most

It's like the Christmas' of past ghost

I got an unhealthy dose

Of the bitterness and anger inside of me

I owe them for the lack of sleep

Lay awake counting sheep

Wishing for a happy dream

It seems like that will never be

Hatred is the only thing

Beats death in the fighting ring

Nothing else has the same sting

Three rounds later.. Look who won? 

Ding Ding Ding

Hatred is the only one, remaining

Sheep: BAAAAAHHHH

The great thing about our God is that he is seeking out all of his children and all of his creation. Even though he may have 99 of his Lambs he doesn't care, he is waiting on that one. He wants all of his hundred to be there and he is going out into the darkness where that one is that alone, confused, and searching. He wants the one that no one else did; the one that is so broken that people say that he's too fragile that that lamb doesn't belong with us: he wandered off and it is his problem. We are not to blame for this and we still have 99. But instead Jesus is like that lamb is still mine too, and he knew our name before our parents picked it out; he knit us together in our mother's womb. He called us child even before our Earthly parents did. He knew us. And he waited for us. They are not too far gone for me; this child can still come home. He didn't care that that person had sinned a hundred times he said through me you can be free: free of that sin that you are still paying the cost for, because he took that price tag away as soon as his son came down to dwell with us and in us. He said come to me all who are weary and broken hearted and I will give you rest. I will restore your Brokenness. Because no person is too broken to be healed by me. No person is too far gone. Every lamb is worth saving, because they are still my child and I will love them despite their mistakes, despite their screwed up intentions, and despite wandering off. Because my love is something deeper than materialistic worldly morals. My love is out of place that never runs dry and no matter what you do, you receive that. There's not some application that you fill out, there isn't a guide to a being perfect Christian, and most importantly there isn’t fine print. But there is a path to a true relationship with God: it's called talking. Talking to the one who made you; talking and praying and building that relationship. When you have people in your life, you need to be in constant communication with them, you need to connect with them. It is something you build on it's not something you can just have in an instant and never need it again. And it shouldn’t be a chore to read your bible or pray. It should be an amazing feeling to get to know the father who knew you before you knew yourself, because that's what he wants for us. He wants a relationship, he wants our love because he's already given us his. And nothing you say or do can ever change that. Even if you are that lost sheep, he's not giving up. He finds you and brings you back to the herd. He draws you into the shepherd: whose only intention is to protect you and keep all of his sheep together. 

Reflection- Winter Retreat

Imagine this...

You are sitting in a room and the only way to pass is to answer a question truthfully. This should be no big deal, right? It is just one question after all. Now, add an audience watching you; all of your closest friends, family, and community are in the stands. Makes the pressure a little more intense doesn't it? Now imagine the question, one of the hardest questions asked... And one you have probably heard before.

If the water in the picture of the swimming pool represents a relationship with God, which person in the picture best represents where you are at?

For some, the answer comes to mind instantly. For others, it is more of a long, thought out process. Now remember, you have to answer truthfully. How would you answer this question right now? Would you be ashamed to say the answer to every single person you know: all of the people who respect and may even look up to you?

On Friday, my answer to this question would have probably been a similar response to a few of you. I would be the guy dipping his toe in the water; testing the water before actually getting in. Looking further in depth at it, I may have said the guy flashing his muscles in the top left. He's not even in the water, yet he is making a spectacle about how great he is. Basically, I was a pretender, showing off my faith, even though I wasn't fully in it myself, but something changed. Even though I was pretending no one else called me out on it. But God did. For Proverbs 21: 2 states:

People may be right in their own eyes. But the Lord examines their heart.

This weekend was Winter Retreat, my last one, as a senior. Every other one I had been to were all the same. I'd get my temporary longing for God filled, and focused on my relationships with other students. This one, however, was nothing like that. I found myself watching the interactions with others instead of seeking them out. I found myself reflecting on my own life. I went for runs to clear my head, instead of playing games that wouldn't last long. And the runs, along with the Pastor's sermons, created the push I needed to fully become aware of my need, and not just one weekend a year.

I wasn't looking for a way to connect with people this time. I was looking solely for connecting with God. While I am said to say I didn't really drastically change friend relationships within the group, I found something better. I found a way to form a stronger relationship with God. I have been a Christian my whole life, but that doesn't really mean anything. Saying you are a Christian is one thing, going to church is another, but living it out daily is something completely different.

Even though this is still a fresh experience, this weekend I made a pledge to myself and to God, solidifying it last night. At worship last night, I told God I was all in. I was no longer testing the waters. On my run last night, at 11:07 I prayed a prayer from my heart. I yelled, but this time it was with him and not at him.

That is something I haven't been able to do since 8th grade. That is something I haven't been able to do since I let the past control me. The death of my grandma, the regret from my Aunt smoking spiraling into her cancer and death, and the regret of never meeting my grandpa. Lastly, all of the pain I've carried from being bullied, all of the bitterness I held towards her. Never truly being able to forgive someone for being so cruel, and causing so much damage to make me start doing it too. Self-inflicting thoughts bouncing around in my mind, and blaming her for all of it.

And I'm not saying I'm going to automatically change, because it will take time. But the important thing is, now I am truly ready. Even if it means that my life is going to completely change. I am finally placing my stone down and giving up the control, the fear, and the past, and bracing myself for the overwhelming love of God, that I already had, but was too scared to make the first step into cold water waiting for me.

I wanted to share this not to make you feel bad about it but to raise the question to all of you for some self-reflection of your own. Because, let's be honest, you are probably like me and have been avoiding it and been staying in the room not wanting to announce it to the crowd. Where are you by the pool today? Where do you want to be? And most importantly, what is it gonna take for you to get there?