Upon His Death

He gave us new breath
as he took his last.
The final straw

on a lonely camel's back.

Remember him

and his sacrifice.

A burden we were to have

yet it was his life.

Given too much

for nothing in return.

God loves us 

way more than we deserve.

Guilt should plague

and eat us from within.

Yet here we are

still bathing in our sin.

There is no other way

no chance to explain.

A baby boy

brought into this world.

Where there was pain

to which he took to his grave.

Ridiculed and dismayed

as he carried that cross.

The world didn't even notice

or feel the loss.

As God cried out

for his own son.

The sacrifice of the body

of the one.

As he prayed

for it to be different.

For there to be just one

other way.

Another form of pay

added to the bill.

The price of sin

was one of great length.

A ripped-up body

as he hung up there.

A crown of thorns

laid upon his head.

Yet he prayed despite

knowing he'd soon be dead.

Knowing his time

was soon to come.

And to his father

he would then return.

But he forgave those

who yelled out Murder!

For he was perfect

in every way.

A slaughtered lamb

stood on display.

His innocence he took

to the cross.

And even in his death

his purity was not lost.

For God gave his Son

for us all.

Death for our life

and to give us hope.

I just wish more knew

about the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Satisfied in this Moment

I'm satisfied with where I am

Confused about how I got here

But not about where I've been

Not thinking about my past often

Not being reminded of what was then

The cruelty and thoughts that haunt

Simply only coming around once in a lot

Feeling like things may be different

If none of that had ever happened

If the trauma wasn't in more than my reaction

Exposure to people who should cease to exist

The memory corrupting some of my wish lists

Everything that was changing as I came along

But reassurance has helped me stay strong

Finally coming to terms with the situation

And being able to exist without contemplation

Parents and Family have come so far

I am so proud of who we all are

What we used to be was so different

But I'm satisfied with where I am

Confused about how I got here

But not about where I've been

So much that could have turned out bad

I guess it is true when they say he really does have a plan

And although the trials have been so long

The results are worth their weight in blood

Oxygen coursing through my veins

A reminder that breath and life can be one and the same

There is no way to even comprehend

When I survived with what little hope I had to defend

There is no other way to explain

Being able to find the faith to obtain

God is as good and as real as rain

Even when others curse out his name

He has given me a new way

And for that, I will never be able to repay

For the hatred, I first felt, and all the disdain

I will regret till my last day

Knowing he will forgive is what I clutch and what I grasp

The unknowing love this world so many times will just pass

But his love even still will last

I'm satisfied with where I am

Confused about how I got here

But not about where I've been

A Big Bully

I hope you know

How hurt and broken you made me feel

The degrading words you say

Tear down what I thought was real

Finally in a good spot to get over my depression 

But you took hurting me to a new obsession 

You said what was on your mind

But you had no thought of consequences or being kind

You’re an asshole if there’s ever been one seen

You broke down a happy smile with all of your mean 

I hope you realize what you’ve done

But then again probably not for you’re so dumb

You don’t understand because you don’t care

You are a selfish bastard with gross hair

I can’t believe the humiliation you brought on me

I can’t believe the words even when my tears you could see

The fact that you are able to stoop so low is way beyond me

But I hope you know that I will be professional 

Just as long as I pretend you don’t exist

Because what you are is a bully

And for that I am royally pissed

You don’t deserve what you got for being such a dick

But I guess eventually you’ll get what you deserve 

For you are such a prick

And I hope you know that I’ll be okay

For even as you tried to win support you moved them away

No one will like you with the way you got in

You are demeaning and rude and I will lift up my chin

For even though you destroyed me for a moment

I was surrounded

You showed me how much support I can be found in

For there was no one to congratulate you

They were there to comfort can’t you see

I’m loved even when you tried to discredit me

My friends are there to protect and always will be

I have them and you’ll always just be a big meanie

Am I Pretty?

 Am I pretty?

Or am I just plain?

Do you truly love me?

Or is it all a game?

Am I just a pawn in another lane?

Do I run or do I pretend and fall lame?

The answer is No: I have no love.

There is no emotion of happiness towards myself.

Remember the time when I used to laugh and have fun?

That old self is you are no longer among.

That old self died in the hands of the bullying young.

Raised up to feel as if I don't even exist.

Wishing for hope and faith and not my own peril.

So many like me have stood at the end of a barrel.

But to give into the satisfaction of letting them win.

I may not be pretty, but that would be the ultimate sin.

Hating myself more than anyone ever could.

Getting it ingrained in my brain more than anyone ever should.

Feeling as if I'm not worthy to be a victim.

Just another someone getting ripped off by the system.

And when there is no smile staring back at me,

The depression and lows hit like a semi in the back seat.

The eyes showing the hidden truth most can't see.

Darkness and gloom waivers swirling like thick black tea.

No hope. No glory.

Consumed with the ptsd and shame in my story.

Only the depths of all the traumatic memory.

And even though I look in the mirror at the girl I see

Though I don't feel pretty, I don't have to be

I can be smart and I can be kind

I don't have to be pretty, I have my mind

And although it doesn't help the tears I shed

I'm better off not pretty, then better off dead.

Sicko :/

When all I want is to feel like a priority

Even as I know I stick out like a minority

Bouncing from one thing to the next

Wishing that I felt more like a constant

Than someone chose second best

Maybe I’m just sick, maybe just tired

But sleeping alone these last few nights has me wired

On the edge and by myself

It’s how I entered the world and the cards been dealt

So much to do so little to say

I guess in time I’ve learned being alone is okay

The more distance I get the less I cling 

I guess it’s finally me just succumbing to the bad dream

Acceptance and abandonment simmer at the seam

Oh to what do I owe to be on my own team

Not being here and feeling less love

I’m sick and just want to be taken care of

Feeling like it’s never quite good enough

But right now as I sniffle into my sleeve

Hoping the darkness would soon leave

Wondering how I could ever do distance or being apart

For this alone just tears at my heart

And maybe it’s just because I’m sick

But it’s when I need you the most:

For physical touch is how I tik

Maybe it’s just salt on the wounds that I now lick

Feeling as if I’m the only one fully steady

Maybe it’s because we weren’t quite ready

It might be too soon to pop the trauma confetti

All I know is you haven’t picked up the phone

Wishing that I could just not be alone

But knowing I’m not quite out of that zone

As the depression hits me and I go to another low

Maybe I should learn how to better survive… alone

For you can’t be here regardless how hard you try

This isn’t the magic world and pigs don’t just fly

It isn’t realistic or ideal

So maybe I just need to cut back on all that I feel

Work on masking what is real

It’s not on you to deal 

With my nightmares and all the panic attacks

All the less than fun sexual assault facts

To compensate for what my own heart lacks

With my past and my self doubt

This isn’t a goodbye or me dipping out

I just think that I need to work more on being by myself

December 9th

 I promised myself on December 9th

That I wouldn't fall back after that night

That I would say goodbye

To the object that I hid in plain sight

That I wouldn't use it as my escape

That if I ever needed I'd just pump the breaks

That I wouldn't give what I couldn't take

That mental health wouldn't get in the way

That I could be fine and be okay okay

Keeping the tears, hiding the fears

Remembering the pain as if it were a pleasure

The sharpness a tool that I could measure

Measure my own feelings under the weather

Sweatshirts being relied on as a small tether

I want to go back and do it again

It felt good to just pretend

Pretend that it was the thing that made me spend

That it was the only problem I had often

In reality, I would use it as a fake coffin

Hiding the actual problems away

A distraction and price I was willing to pay

And yet  I promised myself on December 9th

That I wouldn't fall back after that night

That I wouldn't use one demon as shelter from another

That just because there's two doesn't mean they are brothers

The illness coming into the middle of my own storm

Trying to find a place that even resembled the warmth

Being like a duck and flying back up north

Knowing I couldn't escape these feelings forever

As I continue to remind myself of the promise I made in December

Processing

 I'm a mess

If maybe we weren't talking at all would this hurt a little less?

Trying to move on is leaving me as such a wreck

Wishing that I could put myself above the rest

Wishing I prioritize my healing and put love for myself to the test

But  knowing that I would probably fail

For the amount of self-hatred I let prevail

That costs more than just some money for bail

Knowing that the self-deprication thoughts continue to rattle

As the bad slowly turns into more of my own war than just a battle

Wishing I wasn't the only one still sitting in the saddle

Why are you still always on my mind?

It's crazy how I think about you all of the time

Thinking of you alot puts me in quite the bind

Missing you more and wishing you all the best

But knowing that my love for you needs to be put to rest

For I don't think we can go back to what we once were

You might think I am still the same person but don't infer

I am more broken and bitter to myself... I'm not the same girl

I thought I was strong but now it's plain as day to see

That the girl I thought I was definitely isn't me

For if I was like that then why am I filled with this much regret?

Why can't I seem to just let it all go

But maybe it is the slightest hope of a future though

Yet I know that it wouldn't be so true

For we both have changed and needed the growing room

I don't know if my walls can come down like that again

I'm more scared than I have ever been

Losing you was a 0 out of 10

And it is my funeral I will have to attend

You were the one to make me happy

You made me laugh

You made me forget the past and all the regrets

I learned to put you above myself

And in doing so I lost connection with my own health

I don't know how I'm going to learn to love who I am

You tried to teach me the best that you can

But in the end it was never enough

You left me just as the going got tough

I don't hate you for what you did

But the feelings I have I cannot just get rid

You broke my heart unintentionally

I fell for you before you fell for me 

I missed you more than you'll ever be able to see

First love is like a plain white tee

You never realize the butterflys or what you thought was meant to be

You never realize it until it's time to pay the fee

The price of trust and security

The price I pay is an absurdity

But I guess that is the cost of growing and maturity

I miss you and that is all I can say

Because it is just another fricking day

And it is another reason I find to miss you

Remembering the tears I have when I gave one last goodbye hug

Not knowing the problems under the rug

Not knowing that when I left that day I wouldn't see you anymore

That it would be the last time I walked out your door

Trying so hard to be able to walk out of your life

Why aren't you struggling? Because mine hurts like a knife.

Desperately going to other people for advice

And ignoring them when they say that you're the bad guy

For you definitely are not in this situation

It was more of a death for you by association

I know that the problem is my own

You weren't the one parked in a tow-away zone

You just happened upon one of the broken phones

One who you cannot fix and just had to throw in the trash

I hit you like a fatal car crash

I wasn't enough and I have to live with that fact

Losing you and knowing I probably can't win you back

I'm sorry for loving you and for not realizing it was an act

I'm sorry that I believed you when you said you weren't going anywhere

I guess humans fall to easy when we find someone who we think will care

I'm sorry that I thought you'd always be there.

Maybe Not Today

 I still sometimes sleep with your sweater as if we're still together

I prefer the smell of your cologne to one of my perfume

Sometimes the darkness all but looms and I feel consumed

You aren't there to fend it off or keep the demons at bay

I guess it was my fault that I tried to rely on you in that way

Knowing that this is the price I will continue to pay

I debate if I should keep trying to let go of you

Knowing that maybe trying to hold on is why I've been so blue

But I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye

I really wish we could still just try

I miss you and that isn't a lie

I wish that I was good enough for what you deserve

But I know that I'm not the queen: I have not the nerves

Being roadkill that people barely just end up trying to swerve

My emotions always tend to get in the way

If I wasn't this broken would you have stayed?

If I kept it all bottled up and my tears didn't just betray?

If I hid all of this inside the lines,

Would you still have left me behind?

I've cried one too many tears writing these poems out

Trying to process what happened then to what I know now

Wishing we could build our relationship on trust all around

Me always being the one trying to fight for common ground.

Always questioning and being confused on just how

How I kept on holding on for far too long

Hoping we could be just another love song

Wishing that I had finally found where I belonged

When I had found comfort in your arms

Knowing then that I was wrong

Trying to have support was what I wanted all along

And I think my confidence is so far gone

Broken and scattered

My pride all too quickly has been shattered

And even if it wasn't just because I was too far battered

That maybe it wasn't me but still, I will wield this blame

Being abandoned again causes me to feel all this shame

Just another Icarius flying too close to a burning flame.

Finding warmth in the dangerous sun

Why does falling for someone hurt such a ton

Or maybe it wasn't falling but learning not to run

I don't want to just be okay with what is done is done

But maybe it is time to finally admit defeat

Maybe falling hurt when I had no one to catch me

I was just another stranded boat left upon the sea

All my burdens and PTSD 

In tow 

Trying to discover just how to row

Unable to quite do it by myself

But I guess it is just a learning experience in itself

Because eventually, I will have to learn to be okay

Just maybe not for now: 

Just maybe not today.

Are We Losing?

I’m dying on the inside

The voices in my head make me think twice

Why’d you leave me and the pain behind

Don’t you care about the price

What it costs not just you but both of us

As you are passive aggressive and I’m just

Trying to keep the hope alive

Hoping that my trust

Won’t fade with this stupid scuff

Don’t you know the pain I’m feeling

We are both simply human beings

Not perfect and lots of issues 

But the time feels almost like a misuse

Waiting around playing some stinking game

I wish our emotions we could tame

But knowing us we are both fires

A flame of our own desires

Both trying to be okay

Feeling the past come through in shame

Why can’t we just work it out

I wish I knew then what I knew now

I don’t know if the dust will settle

But I try to communicate and so must you

Are we too emotionally immature for this path

Can we work out the equation or math

Or must we cut our ties before it’s too late

That sounds like an even more screwed up fate

I can’t imagine losing you or saying goodbye

The last time I did that I literally cried

But maybe that’s what we will just have to do

I just know what you are putting me through

Hurts me as much if not more than it hurts you

So you’ll have to come to me first 

Because I’ve laid out my cards to be heard

And you were the one who asked for the time

I was the one who can’t speak unless it’s in rhymes

Please let’s just talk this out

No I’m not a child to just pout

We have things to work on and ways to grow

But we can’t reap what we don’t sow 

Come back to me is what I ask

Let’s stop hiding behind these stupid masks

Together Alone

 My thoughts are so hard to keep inside the lines

The truth of feeling trapped in the confines of my mind

Wishing with everything in my soul and my time

That I could just be okay, that I could just be fine

Wishing that depression wouldn't run rampant

Wishing that the lows I go were just some sort of entertainment

Wishing beyond a shadow of a doubt that we could work it out

Wishing that but knowing that that thought wasn't well thought out

Am I so far lost or gone that there is no hope

Have we crossed a bridge made of breaking rope? 

Or tied to the stake to be burned alive.

Trying to remember the last time I felt growth or could thrive

My darkness is simply a fire instead of a monster under the bed

Tired of being stuck on the inside like some sort of make-believe or pretend

The ideations I have are so hard to comprehend

I feel so lost in the world and not a priority again

No matter what has happened apparently I'm not worth the time

Second choice always get stuck in the dirt and the grime

I am disappointed in myself more than it may seem

It seems like sometimes all my life is one bad dream

Would my cry for help even be heard

Seems like the only way I can communicate is through spoken word

I'm sorry that I'm emotionally outside the realm

But in my defense with my past, it's been quite the worldly hell

As the demons come to stalk me as one of their prey

I needed you to help me be okay

But it never seems that it quite works out that way

You're always gone when I need you the most to stay

Life is such a difficult thing

It's so hard to be an emotional human being

And then you're gone and need the space

And I need to be aware that you can spend time away

But it kills me a little as I'm hurting inside

Knowing that you could disappear right in front of my eyes

Missing you most when you're mentally drained

Missing you most when you're mentally away

Wishing we could just sync our issues and deal at different moments

Wishing that we didn't have to bear it alone

Wishing I could just open up and let it all out

To be able to tell you PTSD and trauma are really about

I'm so broken it isn't even funny

But you don't know that because to you I'm always sunny

Buying you things with all of my money

Hoping that you'll be happier that way

Knowing that it's more physical than emotionally paved

Wishing I could be real for just a second

And let you in without a moment to regret it

Sick to my stomach as I tell you things

Putting some of out there while our bond's in jeopardy

I'm sorry that things can't be different

But we both have issues to work out to make a dent

So that maybe not all of our efforts were spent

I don't want this all to be for nothing

I like you shouldn't that be something 

I miss you and I hope we can be okay

But I also know that things can't be the same...

Both of us will need to grow and need to change

But I don't want to do it without you, Babe

To Be Here

The thought of a beating heart in my mind

A thought of the times

Just a reminder of the way of our kind

No matter when life is a bind

There is no way to help no way we can find

To stop the future from being full of dread

As a memory of the rough tread

Wishing that things could stay the same

That these good weeks that have gone and came

Could just be the ones without times of change

I wish I knew what was going to happen

A blanket of comfort to forever be wrapped in

Instead of the uneasy feeling of bad winds

A storm just waiting to pass

The sinking knowledge knowing it came all fast

Too fast to process or to know the plan

Will this life every let me get a win?

Or am I stuck in this downhill spiral

This sickness of dread gone viral

Worry and anxiety are such an eye roll

Will someone please just come to stay

I don’t want another to walk away

Please if only you may

Be here and in every single day

What She Wants

She’s trying her hardest to be okay

But not knowing is killing her day by day

Waiting and hoping for him to stay by her side

Her friends and drugs the only thing keeping her alive

And when it feels like there’s nowhere to hide

She’s desperate for a release: a change in stride

Her thoughts drift like the tide

Dreading the decisions makes her wilt up inside

Knowing that she just wants it to already be time

Starting to replace all those walls

Just in case they crumble and fall

She wants to plea for him to hold her

But she doesn’t even know if it’s over

When all she wants is to just be there

To prove how much she wants and cares

Even though the decision is all his own

She hopes he doesn’t do it alone

The toxic past soon comes to wait

As she waits for her soon to be said fate

Dreading him getting hurt and being back in place

For cheaters cheat and they don’t trust their mate

She dreads that she may soon have to say goodbye

She tries to prepare herself to cut those ties

But can she really after all they’ve been through

She has to ask why

Why can he think about her who straight up lied

Knowing he deserves better than that my oh my

She wants to tell him that she misses him

But he just wants space

Time to process and try to erase

Or is this all just a game or another phase

She wishes she knew so she could plan the way

Having control is one thing she craves 

And not having that is causing waves

Trauma coming back to haunt not save

And she’s struggling as much as him

When this entire situation is more than a whim

She just wants to be okay

She just wants him to stay

I Don't Want to Need You

I need you to be here and you’re not

I need to be held but that is a fleeting thought 

A faraway wish knowing I’ll never have

Why do I rely on you when it’s always bad

When you are missing as I need you most

Changing to be closed off isn’t a boast

I need you to be here and you’re not 

Did you even give me one last thought

A friendship isn’t just being there

It’s showing someone you actually care

Instead of just having them hang around anywhere

But it seems to me you will just let me be

Talk to me when you’re free

As if I’ll hang on your every word 

As if that would be good enough for me?

The severity of the situation has escalated inside

I’m slowly losing the last piece of my mind

I need stability control and growth to flower

But you just like the feeling of having power

As if there’s not an ounce missing at all

That thought alone makes me curl up into a ball

Why do you even talk to me?

When I can clearly see

I’m more here for you than you for me

So why can’t I just leave

The worst part is you were who I began to believe

The one who was “different” and not another thief

I guess it was my fault for being deceived

When I was finally able to trust someone again

Is the real tragedy

Words of affirmation would make my day

It’s more than a gift or quality time would say

Just a reminder that I’m doing okay

But what I receive is little to none for what I pay

We were warned of getting taken advantage of

But I thought I always just did it out of love

Yet you seem to enjoy using me as you please

Once you found out helping people is my disease

I’m infected with the want to feel needed

But at this point, I wish I could avoid the conceded

Knowing that you’ll always find a way

To make me lower my guard and stay

If only life was my own remedy 

But it seems like that isn’t the right cup of tea

Instead, mine is filled with depression and PTSD

Brokenness that tends to chase me around

Started in middle school buried underground 

Hidden among the fake smiles and missing tears

I think I’ve been hurting for one too many years

Maybe that’s why I let you treat me like you do

And yet I still sit here and say I need you 

Dear Mom

 I don't know if you'll read this,

Maybe one day I hope you do.

Even though I struggle with the words to tell you.

Sadly, I can't afford to get you fancy things.

If I could I'd get you a 24k diamond ring.

Or one of those nice, expensive cars.

But a broke college kid can only go so far.

However, I will appreciate all you are.

After all, you've been so understanding and kind.

Even when moving has you in a bind.

Yet, your kids have always been in the front of your mind.

Thank you for supporting me and for the love you give.

Thank you for the hospitality and the breath to live.

Thank you for the nine months of craving and eating for two.

For a mother like you, I need to appreciate more... I really do.

Mom you have done more for me in the last year than you will ever know.

Giving me guidance and love as pure as freshly dropped snow.

Kindness and grace like yours are just like a candle wick.

You've supplied this family for so long, through health and sick.

But there is no thank you note long enough: no matter just how thick.

To show you that you are a blessing: even more useful than balsamic.

So Happy Mother's Day, to the special one who is truly the bomb.

I am so proud to be one of the lucky ones who call you mom.

 

Past Me

 It's crazy waiting for these feelings to pass

Thinking that today would be better than the last

When the lows are all I have

And the good has only turned to bad.

And as I look inside my mind

Will these pills help me control my time

Will I finally feel the depression slip away

Or is the trauma only here to stay.

Regardless of how bad I've strayed

The voices inside my head live out my own day

And when I feel as if there is no other way

As if this bed is where I too shall lay

I rely on the hope of letting go of the pain

Simply praying that I will be okay.

Shall I sit in my shower at 2 AM

Or simply cry in my bed

Will everything soon come to an end?

Or will I be dealing with this for 5 to 10.

Sadness had made a home inside my head

Where in middle school I had hoped for dead

And no matter the feelings of me finally making amends

There is no other way to describe the tragedy around the bend.

If there was another turn

Will there be the hope that I yearn

Or will it be just another year: another picture to burn

A reminder of all that I still have to learn

Simply hoping that my family's approval I will finally earn.

No matter the consequence or the cost.

I will always remember that of which I have lost.

All that has been taken from me.

When it is only the doubt that I see.

Wishing I could get back of what was my dignity.

Missing the amount of trust that was consumed

And feeling as if the darkness is stuck in my room

Knowing that bottling things up only makes a big boom

When you tell them you're okay and they can only assume.

And as I lay in only the depths of the shadows

Wishing for the blooms of the apples

Hoping that spring will soon be near

As the winter brings the cold and the ice here

Even though it is simply an analogy of life

As the only blade as sharp as a knife

Is the fear of falling behind.

And being forced to face the memories

The flashbacks of trying to appease

Trying to hang on to the good as it flees

And as the happiness ceases to be

I get a glimpse of the old me.

Who He Is

Who does God seem?

To you it may be a hero: in a dream

Or a figure with a certain a light a certain gleam

But sometimes our imagination of him comes apart at the seam

For if we aren't in the daily reading and knowing of the truth

All God will be is a figure in our youth

Like a distant memory from a photo booth

And now going to him is like yanking out yet another baby tooth

Like opening a forgotten bottle missing its fizz

Some may see him as a father: which he is

But then again there are mortal fathers who shouldn't have kids

Like canning tomatoes without any lids

They treat them like gum stuck to the bottom of their shoe

When in reality children are like the rest of us and want to be loved by you

Now, why is the world so cruel? If that is actually true

Why do the demons pick and choose

The ones who aren't easy to accuse

They focus not on the ones who don't but the ones who do

Maybe it is because they are scared of God's light

So afraid of the loss of power that they don't cower but fight

And when they are able to drain faith they tower to their full height

And try as they might

Just to take away another believer's sight

But then we should dwell in the spirit more

For it is only truly then that we can soar

And if we were to tally up and see who settled that score

It would be the Holy of Holies: the one who is Lord

For he has fought and won the war 

We simply must continue to fight with and for

Him and and the fountain from which he pours

The one who is all willing and forgiving 

The only life worth living

Fighting for the one who was at the beginning

Knowing that regardless of who may stand before

That we will be the one living our life forever more

That the devil will surely not have won

So long as we trust in our Father, and his son

To God we give all the praise

Lifting him until our dying days

There is no one quite like him

One who is without blemish: without sin

And that is the reason we will win

Not because we deserve to

After all, we know that isn't true

For I am as broken as you

And that is something I still need to chew

We need to humble ourselves and take up our cross

For if we don't we will have lost

For God wants sinners as friends

Not those who have pride and take offense

To God who has gave us a new life

Who created us in his image; as his wife

We are to be his bride

To drop the act and swallow our pride

To be forever by his side

For all he wants is us to draw near and abide

Bold Font

 When you want to feel like you're actually fine

When you know that there is lots on the line

When all you could ever do or say

Is lie and tell them you're okay

When in reality that is nay

As if there was nothing more

Than a grim reaper outside your door

Waiting until that day where you soar

And in the depths of the unknown

Where all you can ever feel is alone

When existing is more hard than not

When you cut a tree and the stump is left to rot

And in the depths of the shadows dare I hide

For my darkness does little upon the outside

For the light is all but gone

And upon nightfall do I wish for the dawn

But does a person exist that may come and save me

Do I have to beg? Do I have to plea?

I'm broken can't you see?

Or will I be consumed and left in the gloom?

As I sit alone in my room

For I always struggle for love and acceptance

But all I've been feeling is abandoned and rejected

When you strive to be complete

And everyone watches as you land anywhere but your feet

As if that wasn't enough frosting on the cake

I watch as I realize what all is truly fake

And in the stress that is this world

The feelings inside make me want to hurl

Sickness is anywhere but here

Yet I just want it to draw near

Maybe then will I feel something again

But then maybe I won't and run out of the hope I can lend

For even I to will soon run dry

Pouring from an empty glass is apparently my piece of the pie

For all I feel like I'm doing is just a lie

When all I can do is cry and ask why

Why is there so much despair?

Why is life not fair?

Why is sleep so nonexistent?

Why is it that I am kept at a distance?

Maybe it's because of all who have done me wrong

Or maybe it was because I was just playing along

Am I really to blame when I said no

I think that society takes that as a joke

So naught I be anywhere but here

Loneliness has always been my biggest fear

There is more than just concern in my eyes

It's missing the spark of passion as of nigh

I wish insomnia wasn't a thing

These few hours of wishing it wasn't just a dream

That I could close my eyes for long periods of time

And not have to wake to tears would be sublime

But alas sometimes we can't get what we want

I just wish my life wasn't playing out in a bold font

I Walk Alone

The worst part about being alone is when you are surrounded by people.

Abandonment issues that come from high above any steeple.

Knowing that one time or another all will be lost.

That people will always find better than you at any cost.

Regardless of how close they might have seemed.

Nightmares have always stemmed from what was a good dream.

Whether it is in your job or in your life.

There will always be some kind of strife.

And in a day and age where technology wanders free.

How much would intimacy really truly mean to me.

And in the deepest darkest depths of the tunnel I roam.

For I know in my heart I will truly always be alone.

So I will get used to the shadows and hugs of the darkness.

For anxiety and depression are hard to harness.

And in this weakness I will rely on only what I can be.

The one who no one invites to get tea.

The one who is more of a burden then even I could see.

The one who you will only have in distant memory.

The one who will learn how to live alone.

For this is my calling; loneliness will make a home.

When it is the abandonment that I find.

I will hold the reminder of the times.

That I can put myself together on my own.

For that is what I've had to do without ever being known.

So thank you for the abandonment of my soul.

Thank you for never remembering me or my role.

I will learn to cope and to survive.

But I just want you to know you aren't the reason I'm alive.

I simply live for myself, because you don't even care.

You continue on with your friendly affairs.

Forget about me like you always tend to do.

What can I say, I'm over all the times I helped you.

Goodbye to you who's not worth my time.

At this point I'd be lying if I said you were even worth a dime.

Just remember this when they abandon you too.

For what goes around comes around and sticks like glue.

I hope you are happy we are through.

But from what I've learned there's no such thing as starting brand new.

 

Change With Age

What if I'm not ready?
Why can't things just be the same?
Why does everything have to change?
When age wasn't just a range.
When it was simply a time to just be young.
A time to enjoy the little things and sit in the sun.
When 2000's were jams you just kind of sung.
Instead of now being a reminder that so much time has passed.
And that I'm just another role that's been in the cast.
Just somebody having to complete yet another task.
Why do I feel like everything that has come has went?

Regardless of the amount of time or effort spent.

As if it doesn't matter if I am persistent.

For no mater what I say.

No matter what I do.

I'm never the one who gets to choose.
Do I get a choice in my own life?
Caught up in the messy tales of a sacred knife.
The only hope I have to keep my head a float:
Is knowing the amount I already have underneath my boat.

The baggage I continue to store in my toat.

The lack of wind under my sail.

This too can't make me fail.
For even though these waters haven't been smooth as of yet.
From mental health to suicides to death.
To all the goodbyes that have been ripped out of my chest.
There is little to fear.
For I know that the battle is anywhere but here.

And if I hold tight to the steer.

Maybe the enemy won't draw near.

And freedom is soon in sight.
It sure beats drowning in the light.
Or standing beside while someone else fights.
I hate being a bystander.
Watching a loved one die of cancer.
Knowing you'll always be surrounded by the banter.
When an argument isn't big enough to be called as so.
But it hangs over the air like a freshly shot doe.
And sooner or later the truth you will know.
That no matter how ready or not you may be.
The change will hit you and come for me.
And whether or not I get swept up by my feet.
What I hope and pray is that I'll still live up to my good deeds.

That the expectations of those who came before I still meet.

That I won't be in the audience with a bad seat.

As I try to set these feelings free.

Maybe a difference I will see.
That I will be able change.

Even in my different age.

That this isn't just a phase.

That regardless of how much I have to pay.

That maybe someday I'll get a say.
Regardless of how much life is in a disarray.

Maybe the anxiety I'll be able to tame.

Even as the time of change came.

I'll learn to cope and not to blame.

Knowing that my life will never be the same.